People say I am the life of the party. Since junior high school, that label has carried me into my mid-30s. Like everything in my life, it’s to excess. I’m an addict. I always find myself trying to one up myself the last time. I have taken more risks than most everyone I know, trying as many things as possible like standup, changing careers, changing fields, meeting new people, booze, drugs, prostitutes. I’ve been to therapy and no longer have suicidal ideation. I still struggle with anxiety but I no longer find myself stuck - instead I just seek out more to do.
My friends still contact me and want to hang. They’re all in mostly stable careers and/or have kids. I don’t want kids. I’m open to a partner but romantic love has eluded me since I was young. After the pandemic, I’ve noticed myself more easily losing control of my drinking, my gauge is off, leading me to say and do even more inappropriate things when in public. Last time I was out, I made the mothers and a couple fathers in our group uncomfortable because of things I drunkenly said (forgetting a junior high school kid was around when talking drugs or sex or dropping the R & F word without thinking).
Before, this type of behavior was welcomed and encouraged. Now, not so much. Even though the jokes that “he’s crazy”, “if she can handle meeting him, she’s a keeper”, “keep him away from your kids”, etc., are still being thrown my way. So when I deliver on that promise, they’re all somehow surprised and offended. The resentment that’s been building up over the years is so apparent now that I no longer find it fun hanging. And yet they still want to hang after some time away. I still get invited to bachelor parties and have been a groomsman for 5 different friends.
It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting, only because I know the respect is no longer there and instead of being the clown telling jokes, I feel like the clown people laugh at. I don’t plan on making myself available any longer, not wanting to risk further resentment or loss of respect. It’s okay, friendships strengthen and weaken. I still love em and always will.
I’ve been preparing to enter law school while working full-time because my current career leaves me feeling like I’m not using my brain anymore. I welcome the challenge. I’ll likely graduate at 39/40. I’m on a clearly defined path now that I want to pursue wholeheartedly. I don’t plan on drinking anymore. I haven’t touched drugs since that last night out. Is it too late?
Is it too late to change my personality? Am I just now growing up? What happens to the life of the party when the lights come on?
TL,DR: The party is over. I’ve run out of juice. Planning on going to law school in my mid-30s. My friends are feeling resentful of me. Is it too late to change? Why keep asking me to hang if the respect is gone?
Submitted May 04, 2022 at 05:29PM by Sofakinghorny696969 https://ift.tt/X7lbJrm
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