My (40M) wife (41F) is trying to win me back after 20 rocky years and 6 hellish weeks. Am I wasting my time trying to take her back?

Our whole relationship has been a Toxic Codependency - with me being the submissive one and constantly trying to keep the ship afloat at the expense of my own happiness, my relationship with my family (and hers) and my friends.

I'm not a perfect human being...but I'm an honest, caring man. My care has been our downfall as I should've put my foot down sooner. It might've saved us both from this.

Looking back, it's become obvious she's suffered from depression for the longest time - and COVID lockdowns in our country made it even worse.

Once she hit 40 the ups and downs in our relationship became more prevalent - I'm sure you've all heard it before - she's always tired, selfish with her time, uninterested in spending time together, sex is hot then suddenly cold, the lack of respect and care towards me is obvious - then she'd come good and we'd have a nice night or weekend.

I would ask over and over 'are you okay?' and I got every excuse in the book - I'm just run down, works been tough, it's that time of the month, sometimes I just get sad.

In the run up to the hellish 6 weeks I was flat out keeping the household running (I'm a self sufficient adult - I happily cook and clean, manage the finances, Mr DIY, bit of a neat freak and fuss over my spouse, family and friends like a mother does for her kids) while she checked out and shut me out.

It turns out she reconnected with an old friend from the distant past. She confided in him that she'd fallen out of love, was uncared for and needed to escape. He offered her a place to stay...and she broke the news to me - she didn't love me anymore and she had a chance at true love now.

I told her this was between us, and involving someone else only complicated things and took us to a place we might not be able to come back from. That she would hurt the three of us. I told her to love and care for herself in this dangerous time - not him and not even me... And that if it was over between us that's fair enough.

She left against my advice and her family's...and it blew up in her face. He's a damaged person who tried to steal her away with lies while she was at her lowest ebb.

I took her back per say, but I'm incredibly hurt and her family's incredibly hurt. They tried so hard to stop her doing something silly but she wouldn't listen.

I tried to patch things up once she was back - but she rejected me, told me she wants love but not necessarily from me - and that we needed time apart to get our heads straight.

I've had 6 weeks to get used to the idea of a life post us... And to silo my feelings towards her knowing that they were most likely unwanted.

Now she's back, and she's trying to win me back. I'm not honestly not sure if she's realised she does love me - or is afraid of live by herself. For a while she made it clear life would be difficult without my help and that was a big deal for her.

We built a really nice life together despite the ups and downs, and I almost feel duty bound to attempt a 'take 2' but am I wasting my time trying to take her back?

TL;DR: After 20 years of Toxic Codependency, she told me she didn't love me, took off with an old friend and it blew up in her face, she came back, I tried to fix us and she told me she still didn't love me, said we should spend time apart, and is now back and trying to win me back...am I wasting my time trying to take her back?

Submitted May 17, 2022 at 10:39PM by TheBlackCockatoo https://ift.tt/rdQl9oW