became friends with a guy, realized i'm not just into girls

(throw away for privacy)

so i'm a 19 year old female, don't identify much as a woman though. for years i thought i was a lesbian, discovering i'm also asexual not too long ago. i thought that was my sexuality stuff put to rest but during this last college semester i became friends with a guy (20) i'd spoken to some in middle and high school. when we hung out i realized i had feelings for him, and they've only gotten stronger. i haven't had many crushes but i feel this one's been the most intense.

since we've hung out i'm the one that initiates 90% of any physical contact. that actually made me happy and feel safer, since i've seen guys step all over women's boundaries to get physical contact. the most recent time we hung out we sat on my bed and watched tv, plenty of space between us. i have this retractable backscratcher that i use every now and then on my dog. i took it out and he asked to mess with it. he ended up running it briefly over my shoulder then back. he messed with my hair, too, then gave the scratcher back. he did also scratch my dog's head with it. i'm terrible at reading people and situations but my gut is pretty confident he did that cause he's interested. that's what's really got my brain feeling nuts about him now.

but there's obstacles to me trying to pursue anything with him. i'm ace, he knows, but i won't be able to ever have sex and that could be important to him. i'm not sure if i like kissing, i've only done it once sober (i had intense body-shaking anxiety tho) and the second time was drunk. i've never been in a relationship before. i'm pretty well aware of how they work but i'm so scared of it. i have a very hard time talking about my romantic feelings to the person i'm interested in, which is why i feel nothing will happen from my end. he's also got a history (nothing seriously bad) with my best friend. they've dated twice, in middle and early highschool. my best friend moved in 8th grade so the hs dating was long distance. i worry that would complicate things if i ever ended up with this guy. i worry he could be terrible in a relationship. just lots of worries and what ifs.

i don't know what to do. i know it all boils down to communication, but it's so hard for me and i wish it wasn't. i'm not sure if i should try for a relationship (and if so how i do that) or just keep our friendship and let my feelings go away. they did for my past crushes, but i really do like this guy, and part of me feels i should just say fuck it and try.

TL;DR: became friends with a guy, realized i'm not a lesbian and have feelings for him. he could be interested, i have nothing concrete, but i don't know if i should try to pursue anything and there's some obstacles.

Submitted May 25, 2022 at 10:20AM by throwaway28384892939 https://ift.tt/TvCHpSr