I [29F] was in a controlling relationship for 12 years (16 to 28). The controlling behaviour started gradually, we were both immature teenagers and I didn't even noticed it happening.
I had no healthy relationship examples. My mom was a single mother who thought unmarried women were worth less than the married ones. I once told her I was getting depressed because my bf wanted to start trying for kids and I didn't want it. She told me "just have the kids to make him happy, it's better than being alone". One of my cousins was cheated on by her husband. My grandmother said "of course, no man can take a woman who makes him clean the floors".
The issues were quite typical: no male friends, no cleaveage, no short skirts, no short haircuts, etc. We went to Uni together, 95% of the classmates were male. And since having a vagina is not enough in common to become friends, I only have one friend from Uni. I didn't party or drink, had no friends outside of the "couple friends".
He couldn't deal if I was successful. I won a competition in my freshman year and that was well known throughout the class, everybody congratulated me. He got very upset and told me not to bring it up again. When someone would mention it, I had to pretend I didn't enjoy it being brought up.
He didn't like me being the centre of attention. If we were at a party and I was being lively (lively, not loud or embarrassing) telling a story, he would signal me to "calm down".
We had some baby voices we started doing when we were teens. I started to loathe it over time and he would get upset that "I've changed". I would go back to doing it even though I hated it.
If I bought clothes I felt pretty in, I would get home and want to show him. He would look at the length and say "I can't believe you would want to wear something that would hurt me". So I would take it back to the store.
I tried to break up several times, he would tell me he couldn't live without me and that things would change. I would get scared of being alone and go back. Nothing changed. My life was walking on eggshells.
My self esteem was quite low. I was "conservative", quiet and "introverted". I was fat from binge eating.
When we eventually started our jobs after college, I was finally able to live a life of my own, even if for only 8h a day. It was awesome, I flourished, made new friends, was very successful at my role. I outgrew him. And when I finally realised it, I left (wasn't easy, we were co-dependent and I had to do a lot of growing up really fast).
Now I'm a completely different person than I was before. I'm happy. I lost weight. I'm in a healthy relationship for the first time and it's amazing.
I've mostly made my peace with the past - I was angry at myself at first for taking so long to leave, but I'm now thankful for everything I went through as I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't.
But every so often, I'll hear my SO tell a fun story about his 20s. I'm happy that he got to experience all of it, but I can't help but feel the grief for my 20s. It's feels like time lost. Life not lived. I'm super excited for the future together, but I don't know if I'll ever stop grieving for my 20s.
TL;DR: Was in a controlling relationship for most of my 20s. Made my peace with it but still grieving over the lost time.
Submitted May 27, 2022 at 03:47PM by PossibilityPurple431 https://ift.tt/MdBf9hF
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