I feel lost. I broke up but i still feel love for her and i dont know if that makes sense.
It started at a halloween party at her place. I was invited trough friends and she got my attention and we seemed to have a good connection. She was in a relationship though, so i didnt flirt too much bit i guess enough that her partner got jealous and almost started a fight with me, i kept calm.
Few months later i hear that she got pregnant and few months later again the whole friends group is meeting again and she is talking about how she is breaking up with the guy ( she talks about how unreliable he is and he went to a different country).
She got her child and when we saw each other,we have a connection obviously and her female friend also pushes me to get in contact with her.
I told her from the start that im not interested in a relationship but she insists that she also doesnt want a relationship and just want to enjoy the time with me. I told her someone will catch feelings in the long run but she insisted it won’t happen (stupid me).
We had few months and everything went fine so far but i had a constant feeling that the whole thing is wrong. Maybe i had a feeling she left the other guy because of me ( she told me often that i left an impression from the start) Or i just knew i will catch feelings despite being sure dont want to start that with her especially as a single mother.
6 months the chaos started
We had 4 discussions about the father of the child coming back to the country to visit for first birthday of his son. (Only staying for 2 weeks, i suspected that he will stay but she assured she is leaving because of visa etc. I didnt believe it. She did maybe) I told her its fine of course to meet his child but i dont want him to sleep in her apartment. It would be over for me.
She told me several times it will not happen but one night she asked me if we are in a serious relationship with a future or not. I told her i cant do it like i did from the beginning. We have been exclusive but i couldnt plan a future because she has a child ( 1. i would be always number 2 and ex baby father would always be lurking around. So no)
Then she told me she had no other choice and had to let the ex come to her apartment otherwise he wouldn’t had possibilities to come to the country (i doubt that)
We fight, i broke up because of this. Went out , tried to distract myself with other women. But we couldnt let go, still texted every day and we still saw each other. After i told her i saw other women she wanted to breakup but we still couldn’t let go. I did this after the breakup and because the guy slept at her place for 2 weeks.
We both admit that we love each other dearly but i told her the situation is too weird for me.
We did this for another 12 months with many fights just because we never knew what we were. Exclusivity but no future planned. Thats weird right?
I came to the conclusion thats not worth the whole fights for something that has no future and i feel guilty because i knew from the start it had no future but her personality caught me.
We had many “last meetings“ to fix everything but after the last one and 4 months on off i told her its ultimately over and im going out (to see new people).
I told her i was never a priority for her and our dates were rare and the baby father had to watch the child when we met outside just for 1-2 hours we had time for us. If he called her because he had to leave, she had to come baxk to get the child. That was a fucked up situation for me.
She told me she loved me and wanted me to move in and to meet her family and everything and i wouldnt have to worry about being a priority or the ex baby father. They would definitely never get back together.
1 week after the breakup she went to a vacation and when she came back the baby father moved in again at her place (he still had no own place after coming back to the country, and still is in the country and she always tells me he will leave soon)
I heard that the babyfather says he just lives there but isnt in a relationship with her. But she posts on instagram how family is important and is worth fighting for with hearts and how love always wins.
Writing this stuff done hurts, i know i broke up and i feel like it was my fault at the beginning. I shouldnt have started it. I dont know if i was an affair ( the ex doesnt know i was with her despite asking alot about me).
I dont know if she says the truth and i was the only one in our time. But i feel like everything that happens now is belittling the time together. Dont know if the love was true or if i was just someone to spend time with when she was lonely or needed attention. I guess she saw me as the better option and the ex was a backup if i dont accept the relationship.
Sorry for the long text but that was therapeutic for me and i hope we can talk about it.
Tldr:
Started a relationship with a single mum despite knowing its not for me. 2 years later i had to breakup but still feel depressed and love her but couldnt do it.
Submitted May 30, 2022 at 04:52PM by loadacode https://ift.tt/HQaVUZJ
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