My (33m) girlfriend (31f) cheated on me with my father (60m). All the trust that I've built up for people is lost. How to get back on my feet?

This is going to be a long post. Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I grew up in a divorced family. My father left when I was 8. Today, after years of thinking about it, I understand that one of the reasons he left was because my mom was too much. She was and still is a very strict person that needs to control everything and everyone in her sight, she thrives in conflict and can be very unpleasant. A strong woman, to the point where you can call her abusive. When she discovered my father was having an affair, she quickly started to turn me against him. This continued over the years, to the point where his name was used as an insult in conversations in my family. She stressed many times over years that my father left because he wanted to have meaningless sex with other women. Escaped the meaningfulness of a real family to fuck around, that it was the only thing he cared about. I clearly remember my mom saying to an 8-year old me: "dad left because he likes naked ladies". You can imagine how hearing something like this consequently over many shapes the mind of a very you person.

I’ve struggled a lot with this in my life, not really understanding why. On one hand, I’ve had intimacy issues. On the other, I was never able to have casual sex. It disgusted me. My coping mechanism was to get into relationships doomed to failure, fall in love so I can have sex, and hurt myself when it all falls apart.

Five years ago, I met someone special. I was 28 years old, and it seemed like I finally got in touch my emotions. I started therapy. I opened up like never before. To my friends and trusted people, and finally also to her. She was 26, understanding, supportive and extremely good at communicating. We talked about everything. She was also attractive, beautiful and VERY good at sex. We got together, moved in, enjoyed our life. I worked through a lot of stuff with her, and it seemed like I was genuinely well, for the first time in my life.

One of the few things that still haunted me was the understanding of sex. Throughout my life, I’ve never had casual sex. I never really made the connection that it had something to do with my mom and dad, I actually envied people who were able to draw pleasure from it and it was bit of an issue for us, as she had a very rich casual sex experience. Hundreds of one-night stands, threesomes, orgies, you name it. It was a bit of an issue for me, but I understood it was an ego thing. And she did a very good job at reassuring me that separating sex from emotions is not something she wanted to do, more of a coping mechanism. And that now that we had what we had, it did not appeal to her at all. And she would at any second choose our sex over a one night stand. I accepted it.

In the midst of my journey to becoming a whole human who is in touch with my feelings, I reconnected with my dad. It turned out we were very similar. Not only that, we were able to have a good time with each other. We started hanging out more and more. Around that time, I understood that it was my mother who was the abuser in the family, although, admittedly, he could have done a lot more to stay in touch with me.

I was whole again. I’ve had a loving partner I deeply trusted. We were talking about starting a family. I had a father that was missing my whole life. For the first time in my life, I was really well.

Then… well, you can guess where this is heading. I had a rather large birthday party. I rented out this pub place, invited friends and family. My girlfriend and father were there. I had a great time, but had waaaay too much alcohol. I had to be escorted home by a friend. We had common friends, she had a good time with them, so she stayed.

I woke up, hungover as fuck, and she was not home yet by then. I was worried. I called hundreds of times, wrote her a lot of messages. I waited for what seemed like days, but was probably less then half an hour. I knew something was wrong.

Then she came home. She was a total mess. Broke down in the entrance. I rush there to be there for her. That’s where she tells me she had sex with someone. I froze. The only thing I managed to say is “who”. She cried like I have never seen her cry before. She would not tell me who it was. The only reflex I had was to confront her. Told her it’s okay. That we can figure it out. And then she told me.

She was very drunk. Was getting ready to leave. He caught her at the entrance. He offered her to split the taxi home, as we live on the way to his. One thing led to another. Then she said something about it being "just sex". That’s where I stopped listening.

I took my phone and wallet and left. Didn’t even know where to go. I went to my friend’s. I don’t remember a lot from that time. Apparently I was silent for a long time and suddenly broke down.

This was a week ago. I needed to write this down and share this with the world. I got hundreds of calls and messages from her. She is sorry, she says it was the worst mistake of her life. She wants to give me space, but really wants to be with me. I've stopped reading her messages, I can't take it. I can never reconcile with someone who did something like this to me, but I feel so empty. She was my shoulder to cry on for years and now I have no shoulder.

My father has not sent me or said anything since the party.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I don’t know what I will do with myself. How to get up from this?

tl;dr: my girlfriend cheated on me with my father on my bday party. it wakes up the deepest insecurities inside me and i'm afraid it will destroy me

Submitted May 12, 2022 at 01:33AM by 55brokenperson66 https://ift.tt/RGcTOUI