Edit: yall: please stop telling me to protect my kid. i am 100% all over that. This is me, definitely on the path to estrangement, looking for even a slim chance i might salvage some kind of relationship with my father while definitely keeping kid safe. Mom doesnt get unsupervised access. Mom flips out again she can drive all the way home i dont care. Stop telling me to protect my kid please- i AM. This is not. about. That. Im not asking y'all WHETHER to estrange my mom im asking HOW i should best go about it with minimum drama.
Original post:
TLDR: my moms always been less than stable- (borderline and narcissist; institutionalized several times, etc.) But now she's really losing it to old age to the point where shes scaring me and the toddler in my own home. Dads in denial. My daughter adores My mom, i dont want to low key estrange her again- but thats where this bus is headed- Its a safety concern now. Is there a best way to handle this?
Mom and i havent ever really got along- but I had really really high hopes that shed take the chance to be a really great grandma- she had always talked about grandkids with high hopes growing up.
Until this weekend, even my mom at her VERY WORST would still never ever dream of shouting in front of a small child. to her credit, I was at least 8 or 9 before she ever showed me the worst of her. This is a major and shocking personality change.
Here's what went down:
Context: the wife and I are doing IVF this week. my parents came over this last thursday to help with the toddler while me and the missus went to do the embryo transfer on friday. Its about a 10 hour drive and they are the only people with a valid covid test able to provide this crucial childcare so we can go get the embryo transfer. Children are forbidden from the fertility wing. ANY other day my mom would have been outside with the door locked- immediately. But IVF is painful and expensive- I wasnt going to let her scrap months of work and the last of our money. if my dad hadnt have been there; i would have scrapped it. But he was.
So: not 10 minutes in our door thursday afternoon; mom realizes my dad forgot to pack a box of things for our daughter. And she goes medium-grade BALLISTIC on him. like; not the worst ive ever seen but, definitely raising her voice, demeaning my dad, huffing and puffing, etc. The toddler hides behind my legs, dad goes off to "pee" (escape), wife goes off to get groceries and let me try and calm her down (wife also bails).
So i dive into my overly calm mom voice- "Mom- everyone makes mistakes. i see that you are angry. Its okay though- its only things, you got here in one piece.... Hey- sometimes I forget dumb shit too; just like dad. Wife and i have found that an itemized list is great at keeping those events to a minimum-"
BAM. mom just LOOSES it. just loses her absolute shit. Now i endured her borderline worst as a kid but; I have only seen this kind of zero to ten context free paranoid Frothy rage in my exes grandfather who had advanced alzheimers. I have seen this before. My toddler is literally in my arms digging into my shoulders as my mom SCREECHES
"SO ITS MY FAULT- OF COURSE IT IS. IT ALWAYS IS. ALWAYS MY FAULT. ALWAYS."
"No, mom- wow look i promise, not at all what i was trying to suggest here lets take a breath'
"YES IT IS! You know what OP?! im always just your f__king goat arent I? you ALWAYS side with your father you ALWAYS HAVE and you ALWAYS WILL because you HATE me-"
"Whoa whoa mom please not what i was saying at all calm down- please. toddler-"
"YES YOU WERE! AND YOU ALWAYS DOOOOOO!"
"MOM. please take a breath kiddos not used to adults acting like this"
At this point, my mom is power-walk chasing us in circles around the dining room table like an old rabid racoon in an alleyway. Im trying like hell not to push her away from my kid or raise my voice. Mom Screeches, again:
"NO. YOu know what. ,F__K YOU. I will NOT STOP. IM JUST THE F__ING VILLAIN TO YOU arent I? well im SICK OF YOUR SHIT OP YOU NEED TO BUTT OUT OF OUR MARRIAGE OP JUST BUTT. OUT. BUTT OUT BUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUTTTTTT"
At this point I scooped toddlers sweater, literally went OUTSIDE in my back yard, sweatered up my kid, and closed the back door very firmly in her face. I Lay in the leaves with my daughter praying she'd have the good sense not to open that door. I just didnt. have. the energy for this.
Dad FINALLY emerges from the "bathroom" and pops outside "hey... honey? you okay? what happened?"
"Dad- is. mom. OK. like no seriously she just scared the shit out of my daughter- Is Mom. Okay?"
Dad was evasive, and QUICKLY changed the subject. This is not the 1st time ive had this exact conversation with him. This is how it has always gone. This is how it will always go. He doesn't want to think about dementia or alzheimer's. He doesn't want to hear those words from me again. She was having a bad day, he insists.
Fine dad, whatever. I make it clear that if she ever scares kiddo again, they are both getting immediately kicked out of my house.
the next morning I very quietly made my father swear on his mother's grave that he would not leave our daughter alone with my mom, as in pee with the door open, not for a second. He swears this to me. Wife and i drove out of state, did the embryo transfer, rushed home in 5 hours, and, After a day or two, my parents left without incident.
But it haunts me. Here's the thing: if i insult her by bringing up a medical eval right now, she could and would very probably cut my daughter off from seeing both her AND my dad, and my dad? Knowing my dad, he would let that happen. That's worked for him for 40 years, its all he knows how to do. That would Break my heart. My kid loves her grandparents SO MUCH.
I want my mom to have a relationship with my daughter. I want to figure out any way to hash out some ground rules (i.e. mom doesn't get left alone with the kids; dad agrees to intervene at the 1st sign of trouble) But i cant picture my dad actually standing up to my mom, ever, so that wouldnt even work. Also i cant even picture having that conversation at all if neither of them can handle talking about at least getting mom evaluated- I can't see it working without some level of calm or acceptance on my parents parts. Right now i have neither of those things. So I dont know what. To DO.
Meanwhile mom is clearly deteriorating to a startling extent. She is also clearly harboring a LOT of resentment towards me, so much so that she is apparently unable to talk about calmly away from my kid. Im not comfortable leaving them alone in a room with me or my kids after that display, and I know if i make any attempt to pull back or talk about that at all i could lose them both forever.
Mom gets the current month/season/state wrong more and more- stuff like that- its not just this- shes really sincerely losing her grip- over the last year, its blossomed from a simmering "aw moms old" to a full boil "Oh shit- i really think moms got early stage dementia or alzheimer's and I am alone in thinking that right now"
All i want is for my kid to keep her relationship with her grandparents but also be safe from my moms toxic crap. I know thats not likely possible, so- please- help me sort out what i need to say and do here, mechanically.
Whats the calmest gentlest way I can try and move forward here? Ignore? Intervene? Even stating boundaries is a big bet and call.
Anyone have experience with like, navigating an elderly parent who is clearly losing their grip but like, violently opposed to entertaining that possibility?
Submitted December 14, 2021 at 11:39AM by ThrowawayforMILBS https://ift.tt/3GIx88m
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