My wife (34f) and I (36m) met back in her hometown in the Deep South and dated for a little over a year. I am originally Canadian, and due to immigration issues and the cost of university, I ended up moving back to Canada. We missed each other and she ended up moving up with her daughter. We got married. I finished my degree and we moved a couple more times. I got a couple more degrees, she finished hers, and I established a career. We ended up having another kid in there somewhere. She was just starting on her career when the pandemic hit and shut everything down.
I am not a big fan of our current city, but I make do. I prefer Canada, as we have free healthcare and our kids have access to decent public schools and lower-cost postsecondary options. Plus it's more politically stable. We are in some debt at this point, but if she started her career, we could pay it down and purchase a house. Obviously, this was a chaotic way to start adulthood, but we are now educated people with two healthy, happy kids.
She, however, has become increasingly depressed and isolated, and she returns home at every opportunity with the kids. She misses her family and her friends in high school. She resents me for moving away. This tension has, at this point, nearly destroyed our marriage. I understand that I made mistakes, as she was not properly consulted on big decisions. I hope she understands that I was motivated by a need to support her and our daughters. We need to communicate, probably with a marriage counselor, to try to resolve these resentments. She also needs some mental health support, which I hope she gets. My concern, at this point, however, is more practical.
My question is about my options going forward. She seems determined to live back in her hometown, which I despise. It's socially and politically backwards, polluted, has inferior schools, and only a very mediocre university. Plus our children have been in French immersion since Kindergarten, which is not offered there. I am fairly left wing but live in a conservative part of Canada, which is fine, but Trump country is probably too much for me to handle. People used to tell me racist jokes all the time when I lived there, and I cannot tolerate that anymore. The pandemic is currently raging there as well, and although my kids are not at high-risk, I worry about future strains. Canada seems safer. Also, I am a teacher, which is a decent job here but pays about half as much in the States. I would need to start from scratch career-wise.
My options at this point seem terrible. I could insist we stay here, in which case, she will leave me and we will have to fight over custody of the children. If she takes them, I will be alone here, with no real purpose, and if I take them, I will be a single parent, in debt, with no realistic prospects of finding another partner. I am not interested in a Brady Bunch scenario with a woman with kids of her own, which seems like the only other possibility. Raising two kids by myself on one income does not seem fun.
Or, I could let her take the kids and stay at her mom's house. She has plenty of room for them, but they would need to attend school there and would likely lose their second-language skills. Also, hurricanes are common in the area, which could threaten their safety or at least their stability. Their house is new, as the old one was destroyed a few years ago by unprecedented flooding. Much of the area will be underwater over the next century, I'm sure. There are no good career options for me there and I am not interested in reconnecting with people I used to know. I would have to go through the whole immigration process and would lose my career, pension, and healthcare.
I have considered the possibility of moving to a bigger city in the region, where my brother and sister live. This would at least provide some alternative career options and be less socially backwards, but all the other problems still remain. The city also has a higher cost of living, and it is uncertain if I would be able to support us eventually. However, I do not think this would even satisfy her, as she seems to need to actually live in her hometown. She has no interest in meeting any new people. If she left me and got custody of the kids, I would consider doing this, so I could at least see them more often.
In my ideal world, we would relocate to a city we really like in Canada and take regular trips down there to visit. That way, I could keep my career and support the kids while they go to university. I could also retire early and we could split our time between the countries as snowbirds.
Anyways, any advice on these options or ways to communicate with her? She has the attitude that she wants to do her own thing, but we have kids to worry about. Although they have extended family there, I worry about their educations and futures. I should note that I love the food and much of the culture in the South. Many of the people are also very friendly and kind. It is the politics and systemic racism I cannot stand. Plus the pollution is bad (the air smells like farts).
TL;DR : Wife and I disagree about where we want to live and I cannot see any good options going forward.
Submitted August 24, 2021 at 02:43AM by Dramatic_Bread_6627 https://ift.tt/3kirzUx
No comments:
Post a Comment