Japanese wife (31F) is absolutely petrified of new york/america after a really bad experience. I (30M) am not sure how to make her feel safe.

I am half japanese, half puerto rican, but spent around half my life in japan (half in nyc), where I met my wife. She comes from a very safe, sheltered background. We got married 5 years ago, and we both wanted to move to america before getting married, and I got a great job offer and it was just perfect to move here, specifically to new york, where I am from. Dont get me wrong, I knew it would be a culture shock, but still.

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We got off on the plane at boston, where my parents live now, and even that was a bit... shocking for her. She was just sort of shell shocked at the craziness of downtown boston and how different it was from where she is from. But it was fine. My parents loved her, they had met her before but still, it was great and they got along so well.

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We took amtrack to NYC and got off at penn station. And... well, it was a disaster. We had to wait quite a bit for an uber on the street outside penn station. It was 11pm (BAD IDEA). There were homeless people everywhere, which wasn't really the issue itself, but to my wife it was terrifying. Then suddenly these guys came down the block and roughed this guy up and all of the sudden these other guys came running down the block and fought them. Then a bunch of sketchy guys came down looking to see what happened, and one of them came to me and he said something along the lines of "why are you being here, right now? what reason?" (I think?) in a eastern europe accent, kind of smiling in a creepy way. I asked him what he said because I couldn't understand him, and he just said "why are you here? got off at the station?" in a very slurred, intimidating voice. He was very obvious intoxicated and trying to scare us. I was in full defensive mode and I just said "NOTHING, waiting for a car" and the guy turned away, mostly because other people arrived to say hi to him. The fight ended, and a bunch of people dispersed, and they were just walking around in front of us, looking at us like... well, you know, potential victims. I know anyone who's lived in a rough area knows *that look* when they look at you like they could fuck you up at any moment on their own choosing. The car came right after, thank GOD, and we had to sort of walk past those guys to get in. But at that moment, when they were on that street, I was like... holy shit, we are about to get mugged by these guys. Luckily we didnt, but still, you KNOW when you get that vibe.

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My wife just BURST into tears in the car, and I right away held her and said I was sorry and that I cant believe that happened. She was shaking in fear, just totally completely scared, and I felt so horrible for her. I mean, nothing technically happened to us, but even to me, who spent a lot of my life in a rough area of new york, that was terrifying. That entire experience shook me, especially after living in japan for so long. I mean, I've been in bad situations, but that really took the fucking cake in terms of people just clearly looking at us like a piece of meat ready to be eaten. That was scary, flat out.

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We got to the apartment, and my wife was still just... shook, like really shook. It was honestly a terrible moving in. Our apartment was pretty small, and the drive there felt like we were driving past a bunch of sketchy areas to get there. The whole vibe was basically "this isnt japan anymore" and it just left this awful pit in my stomach of sketchiness and grittiness. In reality, we only drove past sunset park to get to bay ridge, and sunset park has a lot of graffiti but is really pretty safe. Still, seeing the graffiti on the highway there was a shocking experience to my wife.

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Its been a week and a half since then. I really, really like my new job. I haven't really encountered any of the sketchiness that we encountered at penn station. But my wife... she is just terrified of everything. I mean, bay ridge is very safe, but even stuff like bar-lingerers hanging out at the corner terrify her. And they are literally harmless most of the time, just drunken irish guys. She saw a homeless guy on the avenue somewhat nearby and told me all about it as if it was some crazy thing to see, and I felt so horrible for her, because she was clearly terrified, but at the same time... the vast vast majority of homeless guys you see are fine. I told her that and she just said she doesn't feel that, even though she knows its probably true, she still gets a spike of terror when she sees them.

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I have an old friend, Becky, who is from Hong Kong and she moved here and apparently had the same experience, and we met up at a cafe together and Becky was talking to her saying that she had the same experiences and that she was also very scared, but that she has been here for 13 years and never been mugged or assaulted. And then, voila, a fucking random fight breaks out in the bar across the street. Which shattered my wifes possible reassurances of whatever Becky was telling her. I mean, honestly, what the fuck are the chances? My wife was notably startled and shaken a bit, and even though she didnt ask to go home, I could tell when the fight was happening that she was about to ask me to go home. Its important to note that like... this is not common at all in this area, especially daytime. The chances that that happened are very slim, and yet still! bad timing, I guess.

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I just dont know what to do. I feel like my wife definitely has some form of PTSD from the penn station incident. And also this is all so new to her, even slight sketchiness is new to her in that regard. Her area in japan is like... spotless in this regard. The sketchiest possible thing is salarymen going to get drunk, and they're usually relatively tame about it all (well, they drink a lot, but its all very well mannered).

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She wants to get used to new york. She always says this. She doesn't want to give up, she loves new york, she wanted to move here since she was a kid, she has this whole entire mindset of "I can strengthen myself to be tougher" but sometimes I wonder if she is just doing this for me. And I love new york too, and I would love to stay here, but jeez, not if it costs my wife her mental health and feeling of safety. I recommended she see a therapist, and she said no, and that she was 'just being ridiculous' and that I should stop worrying. But its fairly obvious she is scared of the city. She barely goes out. She tells me about every little sketchy possible thing she sees when she does go out. She is just terrified. And I feel like that penn station experience is the core of all of this. That would be terrifying to anyone. But even now that we are in a not-so-sketchy area she is still scared of even the tiniest sketchy things.

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I just feel horrible, and I dont know what to do.

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TL;DR - - Married my wife in japan, brought her here, she is petrified of new york, and I am not sure how to get her used to new york. She refuses to go to therapy.

Submitted August 21, 2021 at 01:11AM by toronistjalac https://ift.tt/3sxFFFe