Sorry for the formatting, I'm on mobile and currently don't have a working computer.
This year has been terrible for my mental health. From Kindergarten to 9th grade, I got all As and Bs (and perhaps the occasional C in science, I was never good at it lol). This year I've been doing online classes and the only class that I passed was health. For the first semester, my highest grade was a 95. My second highest grade was a 12. Thanks to my mental health issues (anxiety, depression, ADHD, PTSD, insomnia, and suspected Asperger's/autism), it was always ingrained in my head (by myself, my parents never cared what grades we got as long as we did the best we could) that my only positive quality was that I got good grades and was low maintenance. It felt like no matter what I did and how hard I tried, I was doomed to fail. The logical part of my brain recognized that there are a lot of factors as to why I'm failing and that bad grades don't make you a bad person but that voice was too quiet. The other half of my brain was screaming at me that I was a failure, that I was a burden, that I'd be better off dead.
On January 24th at 3:58 in the morning, I took three bottles of pills and prayed I wouldn't wake up. Thirty minutes later it kicked in what I had just done and told my parents. Three days later, I was released from the ICU and went home. Since then, my parents told me not to worry about school and they would sort it all out. On three separate occasions, my Grandmother has asked me what I'm doing for school. I don't think she knows that school was one of the main reasons why I attempted but I thought she'd realize how uncomfortable I was with the questioning. Each time I try to end the conversation as quickly as possible so I can run to the bathroom and sob while trying to lock those thoughts away. The first time was three days after getting out of the ICU.
Three. Fucking. Days.
Seen as I was visibly crying while trying to leave the room, I thought she'd get the hint. Then she asked two more times.
The most recent time she told me, "You need to start doing school again. Maybe if you start now you can catch up by the time 11th grade starts. You need to do something or else you're gonna be forced to drop out." When I told her that even if I did drop out I could get a GED and go from there, she told me that no job would accept a GED and that I needed to back to school. That exact thought, that no job would accept a GED, was exactly one of the reasons why I attempted suicide. Yes, two months after all of that my mental health is doing a lot better but it's not like that voice telling me that it would be better if I succeeded magically disappeared. I don't like confrontation and don't like talking about why I tried to kill myself but I don't know what to do. It should be as simple as asking her not to talk about it but if she gets defensive or tries to pry (a frequent habit of hers) I don't know what to do. I'm honestly terrified that if she pries, all the work I've been doing to tune out that voice will be un-done. She's not trying to be mean, she just somehow doesn't realize that it's damaging to ask me about it. My parents don't know this is happening as I don't want to worry them with such a small issue.
TL;DR How do I tell my Grandmother to stop bringing up my plans for school without her prying?
If you could give me some advice on how to approach this topic that would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
Submitted March 22, 2021 at 12:25PM by an-idiot-in-disguise https://ift.tt/3f5Kzog
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