I (37M) want a child, and my partner (43F) of 5 years whom I love dearly does not. I have no idea what to do.

When we started seeing each other we discussed having a child some day. It was in the cards, we talked about trying to find ways to get a surrogate because she didn't want to carry again (she has a 15 year old son who lives with us full time, bio dad's 100% out of the picture, physically, emotionally, and financially).

For years I stayed hopeful that we'd figure a way out of this, but about this time last year she dropped a bomb on me one morning right before heading out to a speaking engagement she had scheduled, saying that she didn't want to have a child at all anymore.

That was devastating. It was the most painful relationship thing I've ever had to deal with, and I've had some bad shit happen to me in past relationships.

The fallout from that was that I felt a part of my love and passion for her die that day. I literally had trouble finding any motivation to have sex with her for several months. It wasn't a conscious punishment thing, it was like my body and my just refused.

We talked about everything at length several times, she knows that I want a child more than anything, she knows how her news broke my heart and affected our relationship.

These days, I cope by distracting myself with hobbies, my work, and spending time with our dog. But there are entire weeks where I'm suddenly overcome with anxiety, where I see my time on earth moving by at a rapid pace, and my chances of having a child slowly fade away.

I can't bring myself to just get up and leave. I love her and her son very much. I've tried to be there for the both in every way possible these past 5 years. She's an incredible woman, smart, funny, and charismatic... but also controlling and in some ways manipulative.

We're in the middle of a pandemic, her son is in grade 10 and is extremely sensitive... if I left it would put them both in a bad situation. And I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to harm them to pursue my own need to bring a child into this world.

Why do I want a child so badly? I don't know... I think I feel like there's a massive gap in my life, something's missing. I feel like I will never feel truly fulfilled with this life despite my success and stability. I've lived a pretty awesome life so far, having traveled the world and had a very wide range of experiences... but they all feel hollow compared to the fulfillment of having a baby and raising the child into a fully formed adult. I want to experience that so bad.

I'm literally haunted by nightmares about it. There's one dream that I had that really fucked me up. I was in a room with a small baby, taking care of it and holding it in my arms. I put it down for a moment and looked away, and when I looked back it was a toddler, smiling and calling me daddy. I looked away again and it was a teenager, giving me attitude despite my knowing that he loved me. I looked away one more time and he was now an adult, and he was having a great conversation with me. I looked away one last time, and he was an adult, an old man, telling me that he loved me, but that he had to leave, that his time here was over.

I begged him to stay, but he had to go.

I woke up from that dream, and my partner was there in bed with me. She woke up too and asked me what was wrong. I began explaining the dream, and burst into tears and gut wrenching sobs.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't leave because I care for them so much, but I feel like I'm losing a part of myself that I simply can't accept.

I need help.

Submitted December 04, 2020 at 10:55AM by livinglogic https://ift.tt/3gexg3t