My parents are both undocumented immigrants from Central and South America. I love them dearly and will forever be grateful for the opportunities they opened up for me. Growing up, our household struggled a lot financially and emotionally. I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive household that was constantly struggling to make ends meet. When I was younger, I had a lot of resentment towards my parents during events of abuse that quickly turned into guilt for feeling any sort of anger towards my parents. My parents always reminded me that I had to be grateful for what they were able to provide in this country compared to their home countries. I grew up with this motivation that I had to do everything I could to give back to my parents. As the older child, I felt like it was my responsibility to be successful for them while putting myself second.
I'm going to be graduating college soon but I'm starting to feel like this responsibility to my parents is holding me down. I don't feel like an adult, I feel like a teenager that has no autonomy. I can't purchase the things I want without feeling guilty that I'm spending too much money on myself. I can't look or dress the way I want because I have to dress and look modest. I can't go on trips or events if I don't get permission (before COVID-19).
This feeling has recently got to me because my parents want to buy a house together. We've been renting for about 9 years since we lost our home during the recession. I felt like this is what I've been working towards which is being able to financially help my family. I do want to help them in whatever way I can especially because they're getting older and I don't want them to continue working. They also don't qualify for social security benefits. I don't want to put them in a retirement home because I know they and my family would hate me for it.
I feel like buying a house together is going to be a "contract" to continue living the way I am now. I feel guilty for even wanting my own life. I feel guilty that I want my own life after all my parents did to be able to provide for me. I don't really know what to do in this situation. I don't know if I'd even be able to make enough money to help with house payments and still have my own place? I just feel stuck. I don't know how to talk to them about this as we've never really had family discussions or talks about our feelings.
Thank you to anyone who took time to read this.
TL:DR I feel guilty over wanting to start my own life because I feel a responsibility to financially help my undocumented parents despite their toxic and abusive behavior
Submitted November 01, 2020 at 01:06PM by pbpbsandwich https://ift.tt/35NnMXO
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