Me [34F] with my ex husband [35M], married 8 years, separated for almost 2 years. How do I tell him I don't want to hear from him anymore in a tactful way?

For some background, we met in college, and he was the first person I'd ever really seriously dated. We got married when we were 24. The 6 months prior to getting married, he had an emotional affair with a "friend" of mine. A month after we got married he cheated with her. We eventually decided to move to a different state to try to work things out between us.

This effort lasted about 7 more years, until I told him I wanted a divorce 2 years ago. During the time we were trying to make it work, he became depressed and anxious. Both his parents died. I became his caretaker basically. He couldn't drive or leave the house due to panic attacks. He had zero friends. He refused to seek help. I was an enabler. I lost friends and was deeply unhappy for these years. He was manipulative, and selfish, and eventually I came to realize that he did not value me as a person, and would always put his own needs in front of mine, no matter what. Even asking him to help me clean the house we shared would send him off, and by the time he was finished, I would believe that I was selfish for expecting him to help me. Every time I expressed a boundary, or a need, or a wish, if it was inconvenient for him at all, he would fuck with my head until I somehow believed I didn't need that boundary. Even with sex stuff that was uncomfortable for me. He made me believe I couldn't be a good partner unless I satisfied those needs, even though I got no pleasure out of it, and had expressed many times that it was a boundary I didn't want to cross. I felt used. I started to go to bed earlier than him to avoid him trying to instigate anything. Or I would sleep on the couch whenever I could justify it.

I didn't really know that the relationship was emotionally abusive, I just thought it was normal. It wasn't until I finally got the courage to leave that he started threatening suicide to get me to stay. We went to counseling, but for me it was just about closure. For him, he didn't want to let go. He tried everything he could to convince me to stay but I knew I would rather take any risk than continue in the relationship. It was so manipulative. I saw it for what it was, and my role in his life, and I felt so devalued and used. After about a year of living apart, I really started to understand how bad the dynamic was for me, and it was like I had to rebuild my personality. I was extremely fearful of interactions with him, but I also still felt somehow responsible for his feelings. I still felt like I needed to be careful what I said to him, to make sure he felt calm. Therapy is helping me unpack all this. I now have a cat, several amazing friends, a cute apartment, and a great career path.

A few days ago, he called me. We haven't seen each other in a year, or spoken, only a few short texts mostly about the divorce or the animals. So when he called I was surprised. He said he wasn't angry anymore, and he didn't hate me anymore, and he was bored and thought maybe we could talk more often, like as friends. My heart rate went up and I just didn't know what to say. I tried to act normal, while I figured it out, but my instincts were like.... "don't tell him anything about your life. Be vague. Hang up soon and pretend like this didn't happen". I don't think he understands how much our marriage fucked me up. Or he doesn't care? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I am in therapy now, and trying to work through understanding why I was so willing to put myself in such a fucked up, shitty relationship for so long. I don't want his voice in my ear. I don't trust him. I don't know if he has some other motive, like he's testing the waters to see if there are still feelings. I feel all kinds of fucked up and paranoid. The divorce still isn't final and I don't want him to do anything vindictive to mess with it. But I also just... don't want to hear from him. How do I tell him not to contact me anymore without like... making him do anything to fuck with my head again, or fuck with the divorce? I am so scared that if I confront him that way, something bad will happen, and I don't know why I have that feeling. I just wish I could ignore it and it would go away, but that is not reality. Sorry if this reads like nonsense. Not used to asking for help or talking about this topic.

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tl;dr: How do I carefully tell my ex husband (who was emotionally manipulative to me for many years) not to contact me again, without feeling so afraid of the possible retaliation?

Submitted November 28, 2020 at 10:07PM by Melvincible https://ift.tt/2KKBPqh