How can I (29/F) help my husband (31/M) understand that I need his help and that his behavior is why I don't want to have children?

Throwaway acct for obvious reasons. My husband and I have been together since our early 20s, married for 2 years.

I have always been the "breadwinner" (is there a better way to say that?) in our relationship—I've a boring but well-paying tech job, he is an artist who has always worked on and off in food service while occasionally making a bit of money from commissions and patreon. This is fine, I make enough to cover most of our expenses. The problem I guess is that I also am the one who can cook and cares about keeping our flat clean. He lost his job due to the pandemic in April and has not had a job since then. I am so lucky to have kept my job and be able to work from home, but half of my team was laid off and so I now work many more hours as I've got to cover for several folks who were fired, working until at least 9 or 10pm every day. It's really stressful for me trying to find time to go to the shop, cook and clean when I'm doing this, and I feel badly that I'm occasionally impatient with him when he starts asking me what we're having for dinner each evening when i have many hours of work still ahead of me and kind of wish he could just make something or order for us instead.

I feel really bad about how frustrated I get. He never learned how to cook, and he also has a very different idea of "clean" than I do. For instance if I cook something, I will often ask him to clean up -- he'll gladly wash the plates we ate off but he will not notice that the pot on the stove needs washing too, that there's some burned bits stuck to the stove, that the counters ought to be wiped down, or that I left the pepper out on the counter and it should be moved back to the cabinet. It's really difficult for him because I know he just does not SEE the things that I see, and I know he thinks I'm sort of crazy for caring about all of it. I know that these are just the standards I have for myself, and when I am working a normal schedule, I am more than happy to handle it all on my own since I am the only one who cares about it. But I feel I am at the end of my rope handling everything here. He means well, but he just can't keep up. I know he feels badly as well but I don't know how to keep working 12+ hours a day whilst also teaching him to see that asking him to pitch in with laundry means "when the hamper looks full, you should just put it in the wash, then put it in the dryer or hang it out to dry, and then fold it and put it away" and not "when I ask you for help with the laundry, you put it in the wash and then leave it in the washer for a day until i notice and ask why and then i need to run the wash again since now it smells off and i guess i'll just finish it all myself while also on a conference call."

I have been so especially frustrated about this during pandemic, when things have been so on and off and I've been mostly working from home when he has been unemployed. I know it is so hard for him to see these things that need doing, but I feel so overwhelmed and like he must think I'm mad for caring about it and not being able to do it all with my current workload. The past few weeks I realized that I feel anxious about the idea of having children with him, because it is so difficult for him to help WITHOUT a child, what would it be like WITH a child? I don't think he is lazy or stupid or anything, it seems like he just does not "see" what needs to be done, and understandably he was very hurt when I told him that I was feeling anxious in that way.

I have seen both the comic about "you should have asked"/project managing, and the blog post about the glass by the dishwasher, and I have shared both with him -- I feel so cliche because both of those things are so exactly the feeling I'm having. He has seen them both as well and says he wants to be better, but it just seems basically impossible for him, and understandably he was deeply hurt when I told him that these current problems made me question how we might share childcare in the future. I don't know what to do -- I don't want him to be hurting so much, but I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know how to make it easier for him.

TLDR: In my relationship, I am the one who makes money as my husband is sporadically employed and currently unemployed. I also handle most of the cooking, cleaning, and other household chores and feel very overwhelmed right now. Husband wants to help, but is not able to just see the things that need doing. How can I help him and stop feeling so frustrated?

Submitted November 28, 2020 at 08:41PM by Lucky-Amoeba-1813 https://ift.tt/3o3MfQj