My [30F] relationship with my older brother [35M] is strained because he keeps choosing to stay with his abusive girlfriend [36F]

The title explains a lot. I know from a past experience with an abusive ex that it isn't always easy to leave someone who is toxic for you. I also have heard advice from others telling me to support my brother. I am hoping to get more insight than that. Hopefully, this whole pandemic situation will be resolved soon so I can afford a therapist too.

My brother, John, can't seem to let go of his on-and-off girlfriend of 5 years, Lisa. Honestly, Lisa is the closest person I can call an utter POS. She belittles John (often comparing him to other men or her exes), starts fights over the littlest of things, does not respect our family (she talks rudely to my mom, she shat on my career), and does not respect people in general (especially because she's a MD & thinks a lot of people work "lowly" jobs compared to her). Occasionally, their fights would get physical as well. For example, she's threatened to jump out of a car on the highway during an argument as a means to gaslight John, and punched him in the face when he tried pulling her back in. On top of all this, Lisa NEVER apologizes for anything she has done. John has mentioned breaking things off with Lisa at least 5 times since the beginning of this year.

I was happy last week that he mentioned that it would be over between him and Lisa. He mentioned the same thing at the beginning of this month as well. I thought he was 10000% sure about it this time, given how it was the 2nd time in less than a month that he wanted her to leave. I checked in with him as often as I could because he said that she would be moving out on the first week of December. He always seemed to take my advice with grace and trust. I really thought he was making progress.

So, I live a few hours away from John and my mom. I told him a couple days ago when I was hitting the road. He asked me if I'd like to stay over at his place. When I asked if Lisa was there, he told me "yes, things are better now but I'll explain it later." WTF? Needless to stay, I decided to stay at my mom's house instead.

I had informed my mom that I thought that John had decided to get back together with Lisa. She knows about Lisa's abusive behavior, so she was not thrilled with this either. She said that we would need to "talk some sense" into him when he came over for Thanksgiving. My mom asked John while he was here if he had gotten back with Lisa. He wouldn't give a straight answer and said, "Uh, not really. We are just working things out one day at a time." This was the kind of answer he ALWAYS gave he every time he ultimately decided to get back with Lisa.

I can't deny that I feel livid. When I was younger, I made the stupid mistake of putting an abusive ex over my family. My family, including John, lambasted me for YEARS that I felt I had to do everything I could to redeem myself. Now, I can't help but feel like he feels that it is okay to do the same thing to me. I had made it really clear to him that I cannot pretend that I like Lisa or that I am okay with him staying with Lisa after knowing all that she has done. I don't know how I could act fairly if he continues to stay with Lisa, especially if he brings her around because:

1. If I pretend that I am okay with her, she will continue her abusive/manipulative ways and John will continue to take it.
2. If I let it be known that I DO NOT like her, Lisa will know that John has told me things & may do something to hurt him.

I am sure that John and Lisa will come to visit me in my town sometime in the future; he never travels solo anymore since being with Lisa. I really feel like refusing to even see them, to make it clear that I am not happy about John's decision to stay with Lisa. But again, I don't know if that is fair. I am so sorry if this becomes a mess of a text. I can only talk about this so much with my mom before she asks me to stop talking about the negativity. I feel like there is a LOT to this situation that I may have forgotten to include, so I can answer any questions to clarify things.

ETA: (because I think this is important). I asked John last week why he felt that he could not let go of Lisa. He said he thought that things would get better over time especially because they live together. I explained to him the cycle of abuse/manipulation and he agreed that was exactly what was happening.

tl;dr - My older brother has decided to stay in a relationship with his obviously abusive, on-and-off girlfriend of 5 years. I feel so angry and almost betrayed. I do not know how I should continue acting towards my brother when he brings her around.

Submitted November 27, 2020 at 11:27PM by giggly_pufff https://ift.tt/3o3hn2d