Me (24F) and my husband (25M) met in my sophomore year in college. It was my first really serious relationship and I became very emotionally attached. There was alcohol, sometimes drugs and in general partying lifestyle intensively involved in our relationship during college time, and it was often the base for arguments and fights.
He was a good looking popular guy and I was not so beautiful and a popular girl, comparing to his friends girlfriends, which he always needed to remind me. He was breaking up with me from time to time since I was not good enough for him and he doesn't love me", which I understand was honest and there is no his fault about feeling this way, but since I was too attached and my self-esteem has always been pretty low, I begged him not to leave every time, so sometimes we were eventually on breaks for weeks or months, but then he was back every time. We were more like best friends most of the time, rather than a couple. Also, an open relationship was considered as an option from time to time but never got implementation.
Since I saw him as a super cool type of guy I would never be able to find again, I was incredibly happy things were working out no matter what. This relationship (I know, highly toxic and terrible from both sides) lasted somehow till our graduation. Then I got a job offer in another country, accepted the offer, and moved. He was going to work in another country but rejected the offer since he 'wants to be with me and thus decided to go with me' (actually, the reason also could be is that the country I was going to gives many more opportunities in his field). While I was working in my first year in the new place, he was staying at home country and struggling with finding a job near me. I was supporting him financially during that time, and thus barely could make ends meet, which made me pretty depressed eventually since I also was alone in a foreign country with no friends/connections. When I went back after the first year, we got married to make him get a visa easier and come be with me here. After the wedding, I got back and started to process all the documents for him so that he can apply for a visa, and he stayed in the home country waiting for the documents.
So I cheated on him few times during that time (after the wedding), but no sex was involved, only emotional affair with a coworker once (ended pretty quickly since I eventually told my husband everything) and once kissed a guy at the party ( being drunk ) and one more time at another party it happened with another guy ( we again were drunk ). I told him about all the cases almost immediately which I know hurt his ego but we, being close friends, and also having experience of his affairs before, moved on and agreed that my depression caused this behavior. He eventually (after a year and a half of searching for a place) got a job in 4 hours driving distance from my city and everything seemed to be great. Except for the fact that he can't forgive me for cheating. Although I promised him that it will never happen again. Although I don't go to any parties/clubs with my friends anymore without him (we live in different cities 4 hours from each other) and cut drinking habits, he still fights with me once a week and calls me a whore.
We get in very intensive angry texting ending up hating each other, and he promises sometimes "to beat the shit out of me" and "to make my life miserable". Because I am a 'whore which was using him all the time', brought him to a foreign country where he does not have any friends and connections, and he believes I was trying hard all this time to break our relationship because I only 'want to find a cooler guy to settle up at the new place'. I know I probably was a whore for real, but every time I accept that in the conversation with him, he threatens me with making my life terrible if I just let him divorce me. Also, I do not have any more energy to hear every week what a terrible person I am. He also few times claimed he'll commit suicide if we divorce.
I still have no close friends or any relatives around to discuss it with. I beg him to leave all the shit in the past, as I did with his cheating when we were in the college, he agrees, but it works only for a while till the next fight. Now it's a regular cycle. I am afraid of leaving him (it seems to be the only solution), cause of the threatens he makes. Also, when we don't fight, we are best friends and are quite happy and sweet with each other.
Want to understand what to do and if there's a way to stop these fights and move on. Is it worth to stay in the relationship and is there a way to fix it?
Any advice or suggestions are highly appreciated.
Tl;Dr: My husband and I have a deep crisis caused by the past of the relationship, and we both are clearly unhappy. I cheated on him a few times, he can't forgive me. I offer divorce, but he says he does not want it, cause this way he is afraid my life will be better than his. He also threatens me with violence in case I divorce him. I am just lost and don't understand what are the right moves to do.
edit: need to mention that I am still very attached to him and not sure if I by myself truly want the divorce.
Submitted February 02, 2020 at 02:26PM by AffectionateTrack8 https://ift.tt/3b5ahVr
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