My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 years. I can honestly say he’s my best friend and I can always trust that he has my best interest at heart. We’re very different in that I am type A (goal-driven and vigilantly responsible but also high anxiety and risk averse), while my bf is more of a free spirit (spontaneous and joyful but also struggles with structure and goals).
We have been through a lot together and have worked very hard to build our relationship to where it is today.
The struggle I’m having is that I feel like we’ve reached a point where we should get engaged. I’m 31 and the women in my family have all had issues conceiving children / having healthy pregnancies and children after their mid-30s. I adamantly don’t want to have children after 36/37. I would love to have children, but only if I’m married with the right partner before that age. The other, smaller issue, is my family is conservative and very unhappy that after nearly a year of living together my bf has not proposed. My family is starting to feel like my boyfriend is using me because I make a lot more and pay for most things, but he won’t do the responsible thing and get engaged. Other than this issue my family has welcomed my boyfriend and supported us. I worry that by dragging things out my family’s opinion of my bf will continue to change for the worse.
My bf is adamant that he wants to get married someday and wants to have multiple children. I’ve shared with him my concerns. Specifically, that if we wait too long I will not want / be able to have children - which I know is a dealbreaker for him. My boyfriend says he feels like life is good and we’re happy so there’s no rush for engagement. He says he wants to get married someday, but the timing hasn’t felt right and he wants to wait until he can ‘feel it’.
I’ve sometimes struggled to ask for what I want because I often feel I don’t deserve them. It is behavior I’m trying to change. I want to give my bf a timeline that we get engaged by my 32nd birthday (timing wise it makes sense if we want kids) or break up. I feel like after 4 years of dating and a year living together if we’re not sure of getting married we will never be sure.
On the other hand I don’t want him to propose just because I’ve given him an ultimatum. if he proposes after an ultimatum I will always worry that it was because I forced him to. I want him to want to do it. I feel like I’m going around in circles and just need to figure it out. I would appreciate any advice on how to handle this?
TLDR: After 4 yrs dating, I (31F) want to get engaged and have kids before 37 due to health concerns. My bf (31M) doesn’t feel the timing is right but is also adamant about eventually getting married and having 2-3 kids. I think this puts a timeline on engagement, but don’t want to have to make an ultimatum. Not sure what to do.
Submitted June 26, 2019 at 05:31AM by inthe100acrewood https://ift.tt/2J2ZI88
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