Hello,
I cant even believe I am writing this. I (34F) found out last week that my partner (34M) visited a sex worker the week prior when drunk and paid for a prostitute for both himself and his friend.
He acted totally normal in the days following and only when I checked our joint bank statement did I find the transactions because the dumbass was so drunk that he was STUPID ENOUGH TO USE OUR JOINT ACCOUNT. He said the transactions were to buy tickets to a gig, and only when the penny dropped later that night did I look further into it and discover they were payments to brothels. The moment of discovery was most painful of my life and I cant get the image of seeing those words out of my mind. Massage parlour. Brothel. Escort/ dating service. And then clicking through to find out more about the business and seeing a link to a news article about a brothel the police have been trying to close. I am fucking traumatised to say the least.
Once he saw I had the cold, hard evidence, he confessed, said he was blind drunk, has never done anything like this before, and just wanted to “get off” as we’ve been struggling in our relationship and haven’t had sex in months. This made me feel even worse - like if id just given him more sex, he wouldn’t have done something like this.
But the fact he lied about it and hid it from me makes it feel so much worse. I kicked him out and have spent the last week oscillating between rage, grief, denial, worthlessness, and fear. I am struggling to eat or sleep, or function at work.
Prior to this relationship I was with my ex for 12 years (and married to him) and the pain of that divorce doesn’t even come close to what I am feeling right now. It's a level of pain I didnt even know was possible. I feel so violently betrayed and devalued as a human. He swears he has never done it before and gave me full access to his bank statements which I have pored through, and was unable to find anything. But does it even make a difference? HE STILL DID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND HE WASN'T GOING TO TELL ME.
To add to this, he cheated on his last girlfriend with ME (and yes I’m aware I had a part to play in that but he told me they were in the process of ending things long before they were) which proves this is not the first time he has been dishonest. The trust feels totally broken and I am struggling to function as a person.
We were having serious issues in our relationship prior to this happening and the lack of sex was part of a bigger issue - mainly that he suffers from depression, completely withdraws emotionally and has basically been going through a breakdown for the last 2 years and unemployed for the last 6 months. I have struggled to be physically intimate with someone so disconnected and unfulfilled, who never seems present. The irony is that I have been the one trying to work on our relationship - constantly trying to open up conversations (he has a completely avoidant attachment style and AVOIDS talking about ANYTHING), even suggesting to schedule sex the week prior as a way to kickstart our dead bedroom. I’ve also been going to therapy weekly for the last couple of months to find out how to better express my needs and be able to support him better.
I’ve been going out of my mind trying to figure out how to make HIM happy and fix OUR relationship and he goes and cheats on me with a CHEAP HOOKER and BUYS ONE FOR HIS FRIEND (who is single but has 2 young daughters) and then LIES TO ME ABOUT IT. He admits he wouldn’t have told me if I hadn’t found out because he was "so ashamed".
I do (probably stupidly) believe him that it was a one off thing, but I’m not sure that even makes a difference. He claims they only had sex for 5 minutes and that he didn’t come, and left in disgust. Again, I’m not sure if this makes a difference. He came home and DID NOT SHOWER and got into bed next to me. He claims he was so drunk he couldn’t register what he had done.
I kicked him out as soon as I found out, and since then he has taken radical responsibility, makes no excuses, saying he’s made the worst mistake of his life, it was not pre-planned, but a horrific choice made on impulse etc etc. I believe he is sorry and I also believe that underneath it all he is a good person. He had an abusive childhood and has a lot of issues as a result, and unfortunately made a huge mistake and did a terrible thing in betraying me - the person who has always loved him most. I do believe this - but it doesn't change what he did. It doesn't change the way it makes me feel.
He is beside himself with grief and the sad thing is that I genuinely believe this could be the catalyst for him to finally get his shit together and become the partner I have always wanted him to be - who pays attention to my needs, stops wallowing in self pity and learns to value what he has. But this absolute disgusting and COWARDLY act (the lying) has shaken me to my core and I am physically sick over it (like actually physically, I have thrown up repeatedly).
I know we weren’t happy in our relationship - but that aside, we’ve always had a very strong mental connection that I’m scared I won’t find with anyone else. And so much shared history. I am desperately longing for him and missing him (whilst being equally repulsed and disgusted) but can’t work out how much of that is codependency. I guess only time will tell.
I’m also anxious as I’m 34 and want to have a family and am scared I have left it too late to start all over again, especially after having to recover from a trauma like this, which may take years. My whole life jsut feels completely fucked.
What am I supposed to do? I am losing my mind and keep visiting the website of the brothel and going over and over the moment of discovery in my mind, whilst beating myself up for not being “good enough” as a girlfriend. This is a living hell. Any advice would be much appreciated. The thing I’m struggling with most is the fact I still love him, despite what he done this to me. I miss him. It's gut-wrenching.
TL;DR My partner of 4 years cheated on me with a hooker and lied about it. He claims it was the first and only time and I believe him but dont know what to do/how to get past it and am struggling to survive.
ETA: I just wanted to point out that I have not been supporting him financially. Even though he isn’t working at the moment (he went through “burnout” I guess you would say, he is financially independent). We just have a joint card/account for groceries etc and he pulled the wrong card out of his wallet.
Submitted June 26, 2019 at 01:33PM by vipercat5 https://ift.tt/2J8gV02
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