We are both Southeast Asian and were both born and raised in the US. I was raised in a very modern Westernised way with a view to integrating into the Western society, but most definitely still had some traditional values instilled in me. DH was raised in a very old school Eastern way typical of back in our parents home country.
When we dated I saw no cultural differences as we had a very modern relationship following the Western norms. Throughout wedding planning I saw how overbearing and controlling his parents were and how conflict avoidant my husband was, but thought perhaps that would subside once the wedding was over. Now that we are married, I see we have a huge culture clash and that the controlling parents and my submissive husband is the nature of their relationship. In generations before us, arranged marriages were the norm in which daughter in laws often lived with their in-laws and were treated poorly and were basically treated like maids and had to conform and obey. Their husbands did not have their wives back, they put their parents first and one of the key focuses of the marriage was to have and raise children. There was no intimacy or closeness in these marriages.
Now whilst my husband is not to this extreme and we do not live with my in-laws, my husband has definitely stood by and watched his family treat me poorly and done nothing about it. They do not have any daughters and do not know how to respect women. My husband has stood by and watched his own mother treated poorly by her MIL whilst his Dad joined in. I have chosen to keep away from the family, but my husband continues to see them 3 times a week which I find excessive but also hurtful in light of how they have treated me.
What baffles me is that he expects certain aspects of our marriage to follow the typical cultural norms of Southeast Asia, but then he wants the love and closeness and intimacy of a Western marriage. These two do not go hand in hand. If your marriage is one whereby you put your family of origin before your wife, what on earth makes him think I am going to want to be intimate with him? He is saying we should be able to take the best bits of both cultures, but what I see is him taking the bits which benefit him. So it is beneficial for him to devote 3 evenings a week to his family who have treated me poorly, but it is also beneficial for him to then expect to come home, snuggle and be close, and have a date night. I just don’t see it possible for me to give him the intimacy that derives from Western relationships when he wants to make his family such a huge priority which is typical of eastern marriages?
Tl;dr DH wants me to go along with whichever eastern and western cultural norms benefit him, but I don’t see how this will work
Submitted June 28, 2019 at 05:44AM by Undergr0und19 https://ift.tt/2XfQoaK
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