My [F/28] Mother [F/57] is in the hospital dying from alcoholic hepatitis and I'm not sure if I even want to see her.

My mother has been a chronic alcoholic since I was about 10 years old. She went to countless rehabs over the years but she would start drinking almost immediately after coming home. She was emotionally and verbally abusive for years. She would tell me that she wished I was never born and I was the reason for her drinking.

About 3 years ago I completely blocked her and my father. I saw her for the first time since I went no contact last month at my Grandma's (her mother's) funeral. She looked terrible. Eyes sunken in, leathery skin, stick thin, no teeth, and walked hunched over barely able to carry her own weight. One of my cousins made a comment saying she looked worse than my Grandma and she's dead.

My brother (who still contacts her) has been telling me for months that he doesn't think she mas much time left. He mentioned that all she does is drink and sleep and stopped eating months ago. So this isn't a surprise to me. I was more just waiting for the inevitable to happen.

I literally got the call about 20 minutes ago. I don't feel much emotion about it... I'm not sad. Kind of angry that this was the life she chose and I wish I had a healthy loving mother growing up. However, I'm mostly stressed out. I don't know if I even want to go see her on her death bed. I have so many questions running through my mind.

If I don't see her will my aunts, uncles, cousins think I'm a terrible person? Will I regret not seeing her alive one last time? Will my father kick me out or not let me see her since I've blocked them? I don't even know what I would say to her.

Should I even go to the funeral? Will it be weird if I don't see her in the hospital but go to the funeral? What about the fact that some people might expect me to speak at the funeral since I'm her daughter? I don't have anything nice to say so I don't want to say anything. If I don't cry at her funeral will I be seen as a monster?

TL;DR: My mother was an abusive alcoholic most of my life. I cut her out of my life 3 years ago. She's now in the hospital dying and I have no idea how to feel about anything.

Submitted June 27, 2019 at 06:13PM by Yellow_Brick_Road https://ift.tt/31WQSkO