Me[30M] with my Wife[31F] of 5 years and a child, we can never agree on how often or long I get out with friends. One night every week or two is all I ask, this isn't too much right?

TLDR at the bottom

Backstory: Wife and I have a daughter of 2. Ever since she was born my wife and I have had problems. Wife suffered from postpartum depression, did see someone for a little bit, but stopped (time and money; had I known the seriousness I would have encouraged her to keep going). She was also harassed by her boss for trying to pump. She went to HR but there was only so much they would do so she ended up quitting almost a year after instead of risking termination and not being able to be hired again

I (felt I) was patient, 8 months after baby was born I tried to sit down and talk with her about us, well that lead to a huge fight. It was lack of sex (or any sort of romance), her spending, and me not being able to see friends. About 9 months after this fight, and a few months after she quit (nothing had improved), I gave her an ultimatum, things needed to change or I was ready for a divorce, I was half sure she'd say lets end it, but she fought and convinced me things would change. Since then, a little over a year now things have been improving

Those first two issues are better. She's read and listened to a lot of self help stuff and it's helped her a lot, she's happier in general. There is still room for improvement, but I'm happy with our progress and I am again happy to spend time her

Our biggest problem, and I feel it must be a symptom of something else, is me getting out of the house with friends once in a while. Ideally it would be once a week, but I can settle for every other week, and it is kind of what we did in the fall and it kind of worked. I say if her or our child is sick, or having meltdown, ask and I'll stay (if it's obvious I can figure it out), and I'm okay with that, though there are a few times I feel she's just been tired and just didn't want to deal with our kid. I do my best to not hold resentment or throw it back at her later, but there is no urgency for her to "make it up" to me and make sure I get to go next time so when there is a time it looks like I can go, I get adamant that I get out that week and I do try to defend my position on it, but it ends up me talking about what I do to help out and how little I have been able to go, which often leads to a fight.

Before I go on too much, it's important to know our rolls. I work in education, I get a couple months off in summer, plus breaks. My wife is part time and started online masters in January. We discussed at beginning of her schooling that it would be harder for me to go out during the week, and I understand that. So a lot of time she isn't able to do much school work until the weekend or the evening after I get home. At home I feel I do my fair share, I cook dinner every night, I pick up the kitchen, I now put the kid to sleep every night (bathe, read and sometimes play with until tired), I handle breakfast and lunches for our kid on the weekends and my breaks, I try to help pick up around the house in the evening (A lot of this I did before ). I've started taking our kid to swim and music so wife can get more her time. In summer I often look after our kid during the day so my wife can do work and relax and I like doing it, it is fun, I get an enjoyment I could never imagined in the past, but it does wear you out. I crave adult time. We have had a few dates this summer and need to do more, but I am also someone who needs time with friends.

My wife is a homebody, I'm not (so when I tell her to go out with friends, she declines). This was never really a problem until our kid was here. What I feel like I'm asking for is not too crazy. Our friends go Mondays to the pub for trivia. It runs from 7-9, I usually stayed until around a little after 9, when we all turned in tabs and home by about 930. Some friends would stick around or go to another bar, but I don't do that anymore. Would I like to sometimes? Sure, but I'm trying to meet my wife half way here

My wife has wanted to put a hard cap on this, she mentioned leave at 8:30 after the last time I went, which I thought was only if she worked the next day because last time she worked the day after. I did get home probably 15 minutes later than I said I would; we were at the last question and then there was a wreck that doubled my lateness. So I'm not perfect on it, but I get so few opportunities to go, and it feels wrong to have a "curfew". Most of these friends dont have kids, three others do, one a couple that their toddler has a late bedtime anyway and another who has 4 kids (two less than a year and two about 4), he makes it most times and even stays out another hour with the kidless friends.

Last Monday I was excited to go, it was planned, wife didn't work the next day, but she brought up the whole me leaving at 8:30 and it caught me off guard because I (stupidly) assumed that our previous conversation about a hard cutoff was if she worked the next day, well it wasn't and that led to a massive fight. A couple months ago we talked about how we'll handle the upcoming school year and she told me that weekends work better and I'd need to try and set up things on the weekend, but if it can't work in the summer, how the hell is it going to work during the school year?

There are some other factors, my wife has a sleep disorder, requiring closer to 9 hrs of sleep (which she doesn't always stick to, hell last night she went to bed at 9:50 when she knew she had to get up at 5), she does have a hard time falling back asleep after being woken up so it's hard for me to not wake her or the baby because of her yappy dog, or I have to text her to wake her up or she stays up to let the dog out so I can come in without it barking. I've offered to sneak in and sleep on the couch, or do all my night time stuff in the guest bathroom and then slip in bedroom, not good enough. She says she can't sleep well till she knows I'm home so it's gonna cause her to sleep poorly.

I feel it's ridiculous and she doesn't want to budge either. We've been fighting about this for two years off and on and I'm tired of it. We do go to bigger group events on the weekend when they happen, but those are maybe 6 or 7 times a year, and toddler is in tow and while it's fun to bring her, I'm still in dad mode when she's there

I told my wife that if our genders were reversed, her friends would say I was controlling and manipulative, she was really hurt by this, and I understand why, but it is how I feel sometimes. I don't feel my needs are a priority, nor does she on some things, so we're in this spiral of one will try but the other doesn't feel like it, then the first person stops, roles will flip and it's the same thing all over again. She told me she was really worried about us and feels like we had a lot of problems still, that she doesn't feel any connection with me, I mean I knew it wasn't perfect in the past, but I felt things were getting better and I thought we were both happy. And some of it is I dont feel like I can connect fully with her again while I feel like she's my mom or boss part of the time.

During the fight she also told me that it could be some subconscious ptsd from an ex she dated for way too long, he was a druggy, stayed out as late as he wanted with no window of when he'd be home and it wasn't uncommon to get late night calls, 2 am that they needed a ride home, or were in jail. She's come home to him ODed before and was always expecting one day to get a call that he had ODed and was dead. I can't comment on how this affects someone as I've not lived in her shoes, but I have shown no history of anything close to this.

I agree that her and I still have a few things we can work on, but it's hard for either of us as we feel dug in on this one issue. It makes me feel unrespected and that my needs aren't important. How am I supposed to want to grow close to my wife like this? I've grabbed a couple books from the library on relationships and I'm gonna check those out. I suggested counseling, which I think we could really use if we can't figure out this issue or what is causing it. She was not as dismissive about it as she was in the past, though finding funds and time would be tricky, but I think we could make it work. After all the progress we've made I would feel disappointed if this issue is what breaks everything

TLDR My wife and I fight over how often and for how long I can go out with friends. She has had personal issues, and shes worked on them, so I cant comment how they affect(ed) her, but after awhile it starts to take a toll on me. I help out with the child and at home a lot and am looking for 1 evening out every week or two and get home by around 930. We've had other problems, we have fixed or improved those, but this one problem still lingers. I don't want this or feel like this should be the thing that makes or breaks us, but it's holding back some progress and causes building resentment in myself because I feel my needs never take a priority despite me feeling like I do a lot for her. What I'm asking for isn't too much or ridiculous, right?

Submitted June 28, 2019 at 05:24AM by marriage_probs1234 https://ift.tt/2xjKFRW