Me (25M) and best friend (28F) recently slept together, now causing huge issues and tension, no clue what to do

Repost as removed as broke a rule in error - apologies!

Throwaway for obvious reasons. First things first this may be long and windy, I hope it all makes sense but I think just typing it out and getting it off my chest will help massively anyway. I need some advice on what I can do here and where I go - i need to keep my friend.

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I met her two years ago when we worked together and quickly became very close. She helped me through the darkest times of my life (i was mid split with an abusive ex when we met), and I helped her through some really tough and unimaginable things. There were lots of rumours at the time we were seeing each other and everyone assumed we were an item, but for the past two years our relationship has been purely platonic - she is (was?) my best friend and up until a few weeks back I don't think we'd even ever hugged.

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Fast forward to a week ago - she came over for dinner and wine, this is very common and normal. We had more than usual and she was over the limit so couldn't drive, so she stayed the night. We slept in the same bed but apart and no physical contact again, it was completely normal and just as expected. We somehow didn't get up and ended up staying in bed until 10pm the next day just talking. Sometime during that evening she got upset about something going on in her life, I rubbed her back while telling her everything will be ok and then we just cuddled - probably the first bit of real physical contact between us but nothing was sexual, didn't feel weird and she went home and it was all OK.

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This last weekend we had a hiking holiday planned, where we'd be sleeping in her van (she has a converted transit). It's one bed but we thought we'd be fine. First night it was freezing, ending up cuddling and spooning but again didn't feel sexual. Second night is where it all went a bit wrong, we drank a bit too much and the spoon ended up getting carried away - it seems to be a joint thing and before I knew it we were kissing and touching each other everywhere. It was a bit of a frenzy of this for about 15 minutes until we both stopped and realised what we just did. After this we spoke a little and asked if either of us regretted it, we both said we didn't but it was odd. She got upset and I told her it was ok - it didn't change anything and we could just draw a line under it. We woke up the next morning and it happened again, we didn't talk too much but then went for a walk and then just before we headed home we ended up all over each other again, we were completely naked but again stopped, cuddled and lay there. We both agreed it was a "what happens in X, stays in X" type event.

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It was a really long trip home (6 hours+), during this she would rest her head on my, hand on lap ect and it seemed very different to our usual dynamic. When we stopped at services for breaks we seemed to walk arm in arm, we kept kissing on and off but it seems strangely normal? We arrived back at her home, she lives with her dad at the moment but just before I left she kissed me again and thanked me for a wonderful weekend.

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The following day (two days ago) she came over to get some stuff I took home with me, we end up just cuddling, kissing, feeling and so on again. We are on my bed and dry humping but she has dinner with a friend and we stop it there, she goes on her way. Two days later she comes over for a film and food - we had a lovely night, she ends up staying and we end up having sex twice. This should feel really weird and strange, but it felt completely normal and we both discussed it that it was so odd it felt normal.

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Yesterday she turned up unannounced at my place (which is not a normal thing) with coffee and doughnuts, we end up talking, cuddling, kissing again and then we end up talking about what this is - que the big problem. Neither of us were sure, she got panicky and burst out in tears and left. She said she was really scared and her words were "I think I will end up pushing you away and hurting you and I don't want to do that to you". I told her I would come and see her later and talk. I drove to her house but her ex was there, another slight issue. They broke up 6 years ago stayed close friends, he is a lovely bloke but in his head he is certain they will get married and have children. She's had the conversation with him but he seems to shut it off. If he found out she was seeing anyone he would get extremely angry, but there's so much family history intertwined between the both it's really complicated. For that reason she has avoided seeing anyone in the past 6 years. The reason he turned up is she hadn't responded to him since the night we kissed. I went home when I saw his car and just said she could come to mine to chat later.

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She turned up, sad and very emotional. She explained she ran off because she is terrified of losing our friendship, I said let's just cut the romance out, draw a line under it and be friends again but she seemed to not speak much when I said this. I asked if her ex was the issue - she said it was nothing to do with us but a whole other issue, but that was not impacting what was going on between us. We sat quietly, hugged and I tried to reassure it would be OK, and I wasn't going to start hating her for whatever reason, and I am completely fine with just being platonic friends again. We both agree and say whatever happens we stay friends and nobody gets hurt but we will pull back from the more physical side. This somehow ends up with us kissing? We kiss for a little while and I tell her she should probably go home and get some rest, but everything is ok. We get up and she helps make my bed, I give her a hug and open my bedroom door so she can leave, she then takes the door off me, closes it and kisses me - this then leads to sex and we have really passionate sex for about an hour. We get up, cuddle, kiss and she leaves.

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I woke up this morning really panicky, I have no idea where we are, where we stand and absolutely terrified of losing our friendship. I don't know what to do or say. I've felt sick to my stomach and can't eat at the thought of this. She is coming around later to collect some of her clothes she left last night and I am thinking I need a plan of what to say/do.I cannot lose my best friend - she is absolutely everything to me but I am worried we crossed a line and there's only one eventual outcome which won't be good.

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I'm super sorry if this is hard to read, but man it felt like a weight off my shoulders just typing this out. If there's a more appropriate sub for this I can post there instead

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TLDR; slept with my absolute best friend of 2 years, both now having serious panic issues and overthinking with not knowing what to do. I don't know what I want and I think she is confused too - what on earth can we do to try and protect either of us from getting hurt???

Submitted June 28, 2019 at 03:52AM by bestfriendadvice8 https://ift.tt/2JidlAC