My [20f] roommate’s [24f] boyfriend [27m] got scary one night. She forgave him, but I don’t know if I want him back in our home

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Two weeks ago, my roommate Jess had her boyfriend Tyler over after a night out. I was in the living room of our shared apartment not paying them much attention (I had headphones on) until I heard Tyler start to scream at Jess and berate her. I didn’t have any context, he was screaming at her for being a wh*ore and b*tch and stuff like that. She was saying something but I couldn’t hear what it was from where I was at. He grabbed this stack of dirty dishes and smashed them on the counter next to her, not hitting her but really close to her.

I got scared and ran to the bathroom where I locked myself in, but then felt like I had to do something, so I yelled that I was calling the police if he was still in the apartment in 30 seconds, then I started counting backwards from 30, and I heard him run out in the end. I left the bathroom and Jess had locked the door behind him, and she was really scared, and I stayed up late that night comforting her. I almost went and filed a police report but she convinced me to not. I ended up cleaning up all the broken dishes in the middle of the night too.

I thought stuff was over between them, but just last night, Jess told me Tyler had reached out to her, apologized, said he was in AA for his drinking issue, was seeing a therapist and wanted to make the relationship work. He said he wanted to do whatever he needed to, to fix things. And she took him back, she told me she was on her way to forgiveness. She said this was the first time he’d ever acted like that, and as far as I know that is true. But it’s still a big fucking deal to me, I had an alcoholic violent dad and I never want to put up with one of them in my home again. Or have to see my roommate in a crappy situation.

I didn’t feel cool with having Tyler back in our shared apartment, so I asked her this morning if she could set up a meeting between me and Tyler in a public place, the coffeeshop right across the street from the local police station, so I could have a talk with him and see whether I’d be comfortable having him back in the apartment. And ask him for 70 bucks for the replacement of the dishes, and for my time cleaning his mess. It took a lot of time to clean because bits of dish, and old food, were everywhere. Because as things stood, I was not cool with him.

I mentioned possibly having one of my friends sit in on our meeting. She works at a nonprofit for domestic violence victims, she knows a lot more about the warning signs. Just to see if there were red flags I was missing. And if that went well, I’d be OK with having him as a guest again.

And she wasn’t cool with that, she said she knew he’d apologized, he was making so many changes, and she felt like no matter how the meeting went, it wouldn’t be enough for me. Plus it would put Tyler in an awkward position. I was even more doubtful of this whole thing, hearing that. This guy was supposedly trying to fix his shitty self. But talking to me and apologizing to me, and making the effort to convince me that he wouldn’t get violent again in my home?? That’s too much to ask??

I told her that he wasn’t welcome in the apartment until he’d sat down and spoke to me with respect. And paid for the dishes he’d smashed. And that I’d give her a few days to think things through, before we spoke about it again, but she should know where I stand… I am worried I was too harsh with Jess. But I also know that if I don’t do shit, I will not fell comfortable in my own home. Is there any way I can approach this to not wreck my relationship with Jess, but also stand up for my self?

TLDR - My roommate’s boyfriend got angry and smashed some dirty dishes in a threatening way, it seemed like a warning sign of abuse for me. She forgave him, saying he was in AA and therapy now, but I don’t feel good about having him back in the apartment without having talked to him face-to-face and gotten my own read on the situation. That’s apparently too much to ask?

Submitted February 23, 2019 at 03:02PM by HourConnection https://ift.tt/2BPPFk2