Throwaway and minor details changed for standard reasons.
My daughter, Gemma, met Alex about 6 months ago through a mutual friend. He took her on a date after talking for a few days, and from what I know, she asked him to be her boyfriend. They've actually had a really sweet relationship, and out of her previous boyfriends, he's treated her a lot better than most. My husband and I have never interfered with any previous relationships, despite my dislike for a few. I always believed she'll make her choices with regards to men anyways, and putting pressure on her would only drive them together or lead to sneaking around and not being able to come to us should the worst happen.
We didn't meet Alex until about a month ago, when he took us all out for dinner. He was pleasant, charming and everything Gemma said he was. I can always tell when a man cares about her by the way he looks at her, and he definitely cares about her deeply. He looked a little older than her, 4-6 years maximum, but she never mentioned his exact age, only said "30's" at some point. It was only throughout the conversation that I figured out he must be older than we had come to believe, because he mentioned being in his field for 20 years, and other experiences that wouldn't be possible to have happened for someone in their late 20's/early 30's. My husband, also 65, picked up on it, but we kept our mouths zipped for the time being.
After parting ways, I texted Gemma asking how old he actually was because things weren't adding up for me, and she admitted he had turned 40 a couple months ago, and she didn't mention his age because she was afraid we'd be upset. My husband and I were quite shocked. I wouldn't expect our little girl to be dating a 40 year old, which was the age we were when we had her. I know she isn't a little girl anymore, but she'll always feel like it to us in some way. Her last boyfriend was 30 when she was 24 and I cringed internally, even though logically it wasn't a huge difference, I still was thinking a 30 year old is too old for her because a 30 year old was too old for her most of her life.
It makes me feel uneasy and squicked out. She still lives with us out of convenience - She has a good job, but rent isn't cheap in our area due to severe inflation. Meaning she would be paying close to half her paycheck on rent alone, just to live down the street. She pays us a reasonable rent, does chores and takes care of the house while we're on vacation. We all get along great and don't have an issue with the set up. I think this is part of why I feel he's too old for her as well - because she's a 26 year old still living with her parents.
Logically, he treats her right. From what she's told me and our conversations at dinner, he's a great partner. They go on dates to nice restaurants, hiking, concerts etc. His job is stable, he's where he wants to be in his career and he has his own property. He has no children from previous relationships. Their goals are aligned well in what they want, and they share several interests and hobbies. He's one of the best people she's been with, on paper. Her last boyfriend, from what I gathered, was a deadbeat dad, in and out of jobs and the only activities they did involved her paying for everything, or drinking at his house. He was a long-time friend of hers, but he apparently wouldn't give her the affection she needed, had too many personal issues and was using her as a crutch. This was often a pattern for her - taking care of emotionally immature men who were never going anywhere in life.
Needless to say I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but there's so many feelings me and my husband are having. We feel squicked out knowing she's been sleeping at his house over the past couple of months. Of course we never really want to picture her having sex in general, but her saying she's going over to his house to spend the night just feels off now. When we were 40, people in their 20's seemed like kids to us. There's all the other issues with large age differences that I have seen on here, so I'll spare the details, but differences in maturity, life stages, end of life care, opportunities etc are all concerns for us now. As well, not that I care too much what my inlaws think, but they are very judgemental people and have been very passive aggressive towards me and my daughter and I don't like that there may be another thing to jab her with. My husband did mention quite a few of his relatives (aunts and uncles) were successful lifelong partners with people 12-18 years older than them, so it wasn't something he hadn't heard of or seen, but it's very different now that it's his daughter.
So, reddit, where do we go from here? We're not sure how to quell these feelings. I know logically we should leave it be, but it still feels like a large issue to my husband and I. He's a good person, but when it comes down to it, we feel she should be with someone closer to her age.
**TLDR:** My 26 year old daughter's boyfriends is 14 years older than her, at 40 and me and my husband feel uncomfortable with her relationship. They've been dating for 6 months and he seems like a good person, but now that we know his age, everything feels really off and we're looking for advice to how to move forward.
Submitted February 23, 2019 at 12:21PM by uninvitedtoparty https://ift.tt/2XdI2wK
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