I [28F] want a man [60sM] who is not my father to walk me down the aisle. My mom [52F] basically had a breakdown.

So my fiance and I moved to a small town on the east coast about 3 years ago. We didn't know anyone, and it was quite far away from our family back west. We have two children, a girl who is 5, and a boy who is 7. Our closest neighbor was an older man, who I will call Tom.

I found out from someone else that Tom's wife and daughter died in a car crash some years ago. We felt bad for him, so we invited him to a barbeque. And he's been a staple in our lives ever since.

He is basically the sweetest man ever. My kids adore him. My father's parents are dead, and my mom's are the most unloving people you could meet, so Tom has become a replacement grandpa. He has a huge backyard, and he and my fiance built the kids a treehouse in it. They often go there after school. He cooks for them, he took our son fishing, he made our daughter a little dollhouse...he's just great, he clearly has so much love to give. And my fiance gets on great with him too, they often have a beer on the porch and chat about life. We have dinner together all the time. He feels like the father I never had. It almost feels like fate that we became neighbors.

I got the idea of asking Tom to walk me down the aisle at my wedding in July. My real father and I have a friendly relationship, but he's kind of a...drifter? Him and my mom split when I was small, and I barely saw him, he likes to travel the world. He sent some money, and called and sent gifts and cards and stuff, but he didn't fulfil the role of a dad. He's currently living in Thailand; he's not 100% sure if he'll make it the wedding. When I told him my idea of asking Tom to walk me down the aisle, he gave me the okay.

So I asked Tom if he would like to. He accepted, and said that these past couple of years have been his happiest in a long time. He cried. I cried. Then my mother cried when I called to tell her. But not in the good way.

My mom was raised super traditional. She was a good, loving mother, but she struggled with her family and acquaintances who criticized her for having a child with someone undependable like my father. She tries to hide it, but I know fine well this has been a sore spot for her. I've told her to ignore catty relatives etc, but she doesn't listen. And when I told her about Tom walking me down the aisle, she broke down. "You can't let a strange man that isn't your father walk you down the aisle, what will [various relatives] think??" (Note: for the past 2 years Tom has sent her christmas cards and cookies, and she has sent him cards and gifts too; they haven't met yet, but spoke on the phone and got along very well) She was borderline hysterical. I get that it's her old issues with being judged coming back to haunt her, but I don't know how to talk to her. She even said she didn't want to come to the wedding - also note that all these judgy relatives that I've invited, I invited for her, because she wanted them there.

I know how it sounds, crazy mom getting controlling about her daughter's wedding. But I have to stress that this is SO out of character for her. This is a woman who despises tattoos, but forced a smile and said "lovely colors" when I showed her mine! She tries her damn hardest to be loving, she's done a lot for me, and I'm at a loss now because it's been two weeks and she's barely talking to me - over what is, to me, a really lovely and positive thing. I also can't imagine not having her at my wedding.

How do I talk to her?

TL;DR: asked a lovely family friend to walk me down the aisle, mom having a breakdown over it, have no idea how to get over it

Submitted February 23, 2019 at 01:18PM by throwawaybride394 https://ift.tt/2GHasug