I really dont even know were to start - to be honest this post will probably be deleted by the end of the day - I just need a safe place to air my thoughts . I'm sitting here at my desk staring blankly at this damn screen contemplating if I should even burden anyone to read this ….
---Please excuse my ramblings---
Me and my wife have been together for almost 9 years , married for almost 3 - We have had what I would consider a very healthy, open , honest relationship and marriage . I knew she was bi , thats completely awesome to me - I dont think any one person is truly straight or bi and I believe sexuality is on a spectrum - but anyways . We were married in 2016 , I bought a house for us in 2016 ( actually closed on my house and got married all in a 9 day span ! - what a stressful time that was ) and we were ready to start our lives together .
We have always been open to the idea of being quasi " open " swinging back and fourth on the idea of actually inviting someone else ( a female ) into our relationship and eventually our marriage . We talked about this for years even before marriage , we talked about the "rules" the "do's and the dont's" and how we thought it would help or hurt us. We were never really in the right place to actually act on this ; either we were bothing living with parents , not financially stable, just didn't really have the courage to do it - that all changed after we got married and laid down some sort of roots.
A little backstory on me
I'm a 27 year old heteroflexible male, I have some trauma in my past that has never been really dealt with ( stupidly ) - I am a "fixer" when something is wrong , my immediate reaction is - what can I do to make this better , how can I fix this , how can I fix you , us, everything - I put a lot on myself , I feel like Pac-Man when hes eating up all those little balls every insecurity , every self doubt, every problem , issue , feeling , I'm just munching away all while avoiding being caught by the ghosts.... but it seems like the ghosts just finally got me.
A little about my wife
She is 26 , "bi" or now gay ? I dont know to be honest , she grew up in a very shitty household , an abusive mother , abusive stepfather and things I dont want to get into here - I'm sure you can imagine - her mother had a midlife crisis when my wife was 18 and basically left her ; and I was there to pickup the pieces ( she lived with her grandparents , and me for the next better part of 2 years ) about 4 years into our relationship my wives anxiety an depression worsened and I championed for her to actually get help ; and after months of this , she did ! She was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and was prescribed medication and started seeing a therapist once a week ( that ended about 8 months in and 2 therapists later ) .
------So now to the real reason you all are still somehow reading these emotional ramblings of a madman-----
About 3 months ago we/I invited another woman into our home , it started off as just a "fling" but things progressed ( faster then I wanted them to ) She was spending the night 2/3 days a week , my wife and her were spending ALOT of time together, were staying up together after I fell asleep and they were moving at a speed that I can only think can be seen in a F1 race . Meanwhile , I am trying to keep things leveled , my needs were being pushed aside , not cared about . Me and my wife didn't have sex together for quite sometime once this woman was in the picture, I wasn't being cared for and I was building up resentment and anger and honestly sadness. I wasn't feeling the way towards this other woman , as I knew my wife was towards her - but how could I take something away from her that made her happy ?
So a little over a weeks ago , a fight happened with this other woman and my wife , I was at the store getting supplies to make breakfast for all of us , as always everyone else comes before myself. Something happened and the other woman left , and ignored myself and my wife for the rest of the day . My wife has extreme separation issues and this triggered her , so that happened. I told my wife that this wasn't healthy , that it was toxic because this wasn't the first time she did this to her / us; and I told her that I didn't want us to see her again . So as expected the next 5 days were brutal ; my wife was shattered by this , ive never seen her like this . She was devastated by someone who she barely knew 2 months , things didn't feel right to me, I felt something was off and I KNEW something was off and she wasn't telling me .
-----So to last night-----
I was feeling off , I knew something was up - and to my surprise - She and the other women were talking again , apparently "just small talk" , I felt hurt but kinda understood it - I know breaking up with someone is hard ( Hell im right here in the same fucking relationship, but no one seemed to ask or care about how I was ) . So After a lengthy talk with my wife , me begging for her to just tell me what is going on , she said that she doesn't know what she wants, that she loves me but is confused. She said that she has always felt this "hole" in her and being with this other woman that "hole" was filled and that was scary to her . When I asked her what this meant, she continued with I dont know , and I dont know. AND then 2 words that hit me like a Brock Lesnar right hook "I'm Gay" - I was taken aback , I knew she liked women , but still nothing can prepare you for those words . I was confused, somewhat angry , and somewhat scared. The women ive spent the better portion of my wife with just said something I couldn't believe, I sat there staring off into the distance for what felt like hours, my head hurting , chest tight, and the feeling that you get when you think about what happens after death just overtook me - I broke down . crying , sobbing actually ( I'm not a crier , I wish I was but grew up being told "Boys dont cry " but that is factually untrue I can tell you that !
After about 25 minutes of this ( which felt like hours ) I finally looked at my wife , and she was begging and pleading to me that she didn't know how she felt , that she doesn't even really know if that is true. She is just confused about all these new emotions . She claims she still wants to be with me and that I am who she wants , but how can I A. believe that and B . how can I not un feel what I feel right now.
Theres no manual for this , theres not a " Sorry your wife is gay card at the local Walmart " , I dont want her to be with me because she's afraid to hurt me or lose me . I Want her to be HAPPY regardless if its with me , or with someone else. I've spent the last almost 9 years with her happiness as my number one priority . I can't stand the feeling that I'M taking something from her that she needs....
----I'm not sure what to do , think , feel , act or anything - my brain is Jell-O I'm sorry for my ramblings---
**TL;DR; My wife may be gay and I have no clue what to do
Submitted January 29, 2019 at 05:49AM by sbristow913 http://bit.ly/2B93A4i
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