I (28M) want to start this off by thanking everyone for the advice/kind words/support. Everything is appreciated. One week since D-day. After talking with OBS (30’sF) I’ve been trying to process everything. I haven’t been sleeping well. I feel like an empty shell. When I step outside, I feel like people know and they’re secretly laughing at me. Has anyone else felt that way?
I decided to break NC to request a timeline. The plan was to go Sunday without warning, and if I’m being honest, I wanted to give her another chance to be truthful, and to see how she’d been living. Some mentioned AP (35M) could be at our home. It was painful to consider that she could be defiling the home we shared together for most of our adult lives, but after everything… it wasn’t far-fetched. I texted OBS for a description of AP’s car, and why I needed it; she sent the info. I made the drive back, and looked out for AP’s car, but it wasn’t around. I went into the house to find my WW by herself on the couch. She was stunned to see me; her eyes were red and a little puffy, like she’d been crying. I hated seeing her this way, and I had this urge to comfort her. But then I recalled how we got here in the first place. It was confusing almost, not acting to help her.
My WW called my name with a sense of relief and moved toward me, but I asked her to stop; she did then said that she’d been worried about me and thanked me for coming back home. I asked if AP had been in the house; she said no. But I searched the house, and she followed after while promising that he was never here. I didn’t find anything that suggested AP was. I asked if she had any contact with him; she admitted he left a VM, but she didn’t call back and blocked his number. She showed proof of this. We sat at the dining room table to talk. At this point, I tried not getting lost in emotion. I told her I would like for her to answer my questions; she agreed to do so, and that she’s just glad I’m here and that we’re talking again. I asked her if she had quit, and she said she hadn’t yet, but on the same day AP was fired, she was suspended for a week pending an investigation; tomorrow she’ll learn the outcome. She said AP’s firing was the sole reason she hadn’t quit like she offered.
I asked her to tell me about the affair. She said she already did but I told her that we both know there’s more to the story, and now I’m giving her another chance to be honest with me, and if I were to discover any lies then there would be no going back. She was quiet for a few moments and then she nodded. She revealed the extent of the affair and it matched with what OBS showed me; the affair started emotionally, and that there had been some flirting at work, but she insisted they only had sex the one time. She didn’t go into every single detail that OBS showed, but she revealed the EA. She didn’t say anything I didn’t already know, but it was like a fresh wound opened up after hearing her confirm it. I was left in silence again, like how I was on D-day. She asked me to please tell her what I was thinking; I asked her why would she do this? She knew/saw my family’s history firsthand, but still did this; was she unhappy in any way? At this, she broke down crying, and said she has never been unhappy with me or our marriage; that she loves me and our relationship is the most important thing to her.
I said her actions speak louder. She said she doesn’t know why she got involved in the affair, but she never wanted to hurt me, and it kills her; that by the time the they had sex, she made so many mistakes and realized she was in too deep, and didn’t know how to pull herself out, especially when AP had championed for her at work. She told me that the affair was no failure on my part, and that it’s all on her. I asked, if she felt forced by AP, to which she said that everyone loved him and that as I know there was a boys club mentality. She said that she froze up during sex. She just kept saying sorry, and if she could take it all back she would.
My emotions were slipping, so I tried to speed it along, and asked why would she have sex with me, which she initiated; she only said that she felt so disgusting and guilty that she wanted to “wash it away” by being with me again. I told her she didn’t “wash” anything away; all she did was endanger me to ease her conscience. She didn’t have a response; she only kept crying. I then asked her if she ever planned to tell me; she said she wanted to confess, was afraid because she knew how cheating was a dealbreaker for me; she thought she could fix it by stopping the affair, and not communicating with AP outside of work; she said she stopped texting him after they had sex. I asked her if AP wore a condom, and she revealed sex wasn’t planned and that because she froze up, she didn’t mention it to AP. She said that she‘ll never forgive herself, and that I have every right to hate her; and that seeing the pain she caused me, and being without me with NC has extremely scared her.
She pleaded with me to give our marriage another chance; but I compared her to my dad, and that remark stung deep. She said she was nothing like him, but I asked where’s the difference? She tried to take my hand, but I moved my hands out of the way. She said that we’re not my parents, and it’s different for us; and to please tell her that we can make it over this, after everything we’ve been through. I couldn’t tell say that. I then made my timeline request; it seemed to terrify her, but I insisted, and she agreed. I told her that we needed to get tested; she agreed without an issue. I was barely keeping my emotions in order, so I went to go pack a bag and some essentials. She begged me to stay; saying that she’ll stay on the couch, but she just wanted me to be home. I said that I couldn’t stay here with her.
When I was leaving, she said she loves me so much and that she’s sorry for everything. I didn’t say anything in return; I couldn’t. She then asked where I was staying, and I admitted that I with my mom; she asked if I could tell my mom something, but said I can’t be her go-between. I know she’s also worried about her relationship with my mom; as I said before, she treated her like a daughter. WW never really had her mom in her life; there was neglect. She asked if she could hug me, but I said no and left.
Now, I’m just looking at my options. She told more of the truth this time, but reality is still reality. I don’t know what to make of her statement that she froze up. I also don’t know if I’m ready to tell other people about the affair because I feel so embarrassed. Anyway, right now I’m trying to take it day by day, and would greatly appreciate any advice on how to proceed from here.
TL;DR I broke no contact with my wife to discuss her affair with her co-worker.
Submitted June 06, 2022 at 11:21PM by WifeHadAnAffair https://ift.tt/MkDZyq3
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