I am the forgotten younger sibling of a “gifted” student and now my parents want me to bail her out.

I (30f) grew up in a middle-class family. I have a sister “Elle” who is 3 years older than me. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of my parents characterizing me as “the pretty one” and Elle as “the smart one”.

Elle has an IQ in the 150 range. She was always at the top of her classes at school with little effort while I struggled to make B’s. When it came time for college, Elle was accepted into some of the best schools in the country and ended up enrolling in a top 10 university. While I always kind of wondered how they were affording this, I kind of assumed they were taking out loans for whatever financial aid didn’t cover. However when I was a senior in High School, I found out how Elle’s tuition was being funded. With the inheritance my grandparents had left, with the intention it would be used for both of our schooling. Elle had one year left at university and the money was nearly gone. They made it clear that with “my grades” they would rather the money go to finish off Elle’s undergrad education.

I was left with the choice, loans or no school. I ended up working full time to afford to rent an apartment with friends while going to community college nursing school on the side. It took me a little longer but I graduated with honors. I got a great job at a local hospital and ended up meeting my now-husband, who was a second year general surgery resident at the time, my very first day on the job.

Fast forward 8 years. My husband is a surgeon and I went back to school to become a CRNA. We are very comfortable financially, happily married and I am pregnant with our first child, a girl. Through this time I have maintained minimal contact with my parents and sister. I had a ton of resentment and allowed my relationship with them to grow colder over the years. I was aware my sister had gone on to get her MA and PHD though I had no idea how this was being funded and didn’t care to ask.

About a month ago, I got a call from my mother (who didn’t even know I was pregnant). Apparently my sister is struggling under the weight of multiple private loans while working at an entry level research job, she is living with my parents (who co-signed the loans) and is “having a hard time”. She asked if my husband and I would give them a loan to take care of my sister’s loans for the next few years and take some of the pressure off her. It was pretty clear to me that “loan” really meant “gift”.

I unloaded on her. I told her that I had spent my entire childhood being dismissed and ignored while my brilliant sister was put above me constantly. They used my college money on her and I had to take out loans which I paid off myself. So now that their “pretty daughter” has managed to make something of herself, they have use for her to once again prop up their “smart daughter”? My mother was crying and saying “that isn’t true” over and over again, then my father jumped on the phone and demanded to know what I had said to her. I hung up.

My husband is very proud of me for standing up for myself and finally speaking about the trauma which has been weighing me down for years, and while I know it was the right thing, why do I still feel like shit? I imagined this moment a thousand times, but I also thought it would come with a sense of relief. Now I am doubting myself and wondering if I made the wrong choice on addressing the problems I have with my mother in such a way. Would it have been better to ask them to go to family therapy with me or just to sit down and explain calmly why I don’t want to bail out Elle? And on the other hand, while I’m not close with my sister, I know she is as much a victim in this as I am. She put all her value in being “the smart daughter” and look where it got her.

I guess I’m just extremely conflicted about the whole situation and needed to vent and ask advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet who have no horse in this race so to speak.

TL;DR- my parents treated my sister as “the smart daughter” and me as “the pretty daughter” growing up. Now I am more successful than she is and they want me to bail her out of the private student loan hole she is in. I am conflicted because my sister IS having a hard time and she is as much a victim of our parents as I am.

Submitted June 02, 2022 at 04:15AM by whosthatgirl8171 https://ift.tt/JXivA6k