(Sorry for the length and formatting, I’m on my phone.)TLDR: husband had an emotional affair, we agreed to counseling but it’s been a year of nothing. What do I do now?
My husband [37M] and I [36F] have been together for 12 years, married for 11. We have 2 kids under the age of 9.
My husband and I have had several rocky moments in our relationship - he lied to me about an ex girlfriend when we first got together until she started stalking me. She felt they were still together when we first started talking and he said they had broken up - it didn’t bother me because we weren’t really dating at the time and she proved to be genuinely insane and a stalker.
A couple of times (about 5 years in) he talked to another ex without telling me until a message popped up when he gave me his phone to look for something - this hurt me only because we said we would tell the other if an ex popped up. It felt like he hid it, but there was nothing inappropriate said, it was just a catch up.
I’ve always said I don’t care what he does as along as he’s honest and we talk about things first. However, several times he’s lied to me (not told me, or not said anything till I catch him - such as when then bank called asking about suspicious activity) about going to strip clubs with his friends. I’ve taken him myself, but he wasn’t enjoying himself so we left - it’s not really his scene. So, I don’t understand why he’d hide it from me.
He knows I wouldn’t care as long as he told me upfront.
I think it’s important to say we had an amazing relationship, one that our friends all wanted for themselves and would comment on regularly.
We were best friends, talked about everything, and were deeply in love.
It may also be relevant to say that I am bisexual and have always offered to open our relationship together or separately - as long as we communicate FIRST. He’s too jealous, so it’s just us, which is perfect either way, and all I need.
Most recently he started mentoring minorities in his field - he began mentoring someone during the pandemic , but failed to really tell me anything about them.
One day I had a doctors appointment that ended up with some really scary blood results (thankfully it ended up being a false alarm) so I was hoping to go home to talk and get some reassurance. He asks if I mind if he goes out for a couple of beers with work friends. I say ok, because he works hard and he says he’ll be home early.
He comes back late, steaming drunk and leaves his phone on the couch, when I see a message. We have each other’s passwords and go through each other’s phone when we need something, so no big deal. Besides, I’m fucking pissed and hurt so I don’t care if it’s snooping at this point.
It’s the woman he’s mentoring, he’s messaging her at 11PM - drunk.
He’s been messaging his mentee - a woman a few years younger than him. I start scrolling through and realize they have been talking regularly (almost daily) for the past year and a half.
During this time my husband has been having these zoom meetings during the weekends and at 9 during the week, which regularly got in the way of me asking for help watching the kids for various appointments (I was having severe back pain that ended up needing major spinal cord surgery).
I later find out these weren’t work meetings as he’s presented them, but zoom calls with her. There were even times my children were on the calls with this person, which makes my blood absolutely boil. Other times I missed appointments because he couldn’t watch the kids due to these “meetings”. He was always saying that we never spent enough time together, but regularly worked late and then would come to bed, only to turn on the tv and veg out until he fell asleep.
I found out that when he was on his phone in bed next to me, he was chatting to her.
For our anniversary we went out of town and left the kids with a friend for the first time since they were born. It turns out he was talking to her while we there, he said he was sorry he couldn’t talk but was celebrating an anniversary - he didn’t mention it was his wedding anniversary and/or that he was there with me.
In all the messages he never talks about me or mentions me, but he does talk about the kids. There is one exception to this - he told her about a problem we had in the extended family, she offered her non help, despite all my work being centered around fixing this problem and my huge accomplishments doing so… I’ve found my calling in this and have been trying to make a career out of it in addition to being a mom and a wife, so this really hurt me.
She stalked his Twitter to see what they could talk about/have in common. He had retweeted one of my tweets about this family problem which is likely the only reason it came up.
They discussed things that had nothing to do with work or mentoring, she began calling him amazing and wonderful, telling him how lucky she was that the had found each other. She’d tell him how brilliant he was and confessed to thinking of what he was doing often - and he’d agree and say the same about her.
When I confronted him he was incredibly apologetic, we were both in tears and he claims he didn’t realize how bad it was but admitted that it was bad now that I was pointing it out, and understood why I was so upset. He immediately cut off contact by saying the relationship had become inappropriate and he didn’t want to hurt me.
I asked him to go to marriage counseling; he found the therapist, made the appointments, and we had a few sessions - maybe 5?
The doctor didn’t even talk about the emotional affair, he was just terrible in both our eyes, so we agreed to go somewhere else.
It’s been over a year and he hasn’t made an effort, I’ve even sent him a short list to choose from but said he was too tired at the time. Every time I bring it up, he agrees and then nothing happens, it gets put off.
Our entire marriage I’ve supported him by moving two two countries and 3 states - we’ve lived in more than 10 houses, all with two kids… all so he could have the career of his dreams and accomplish whatever he wanted. I’ve given up my own life for his - I’m fortunate that I get to be a stay at home mom, but I feel so unappreciated and taken for granted. He had no worries, he’s never had to pay bills, take care of house or vehicle upkeep/repair, or take the kids to appointments until last year.
I had surgery and was supposed to have help, and be in bed for a month to 6 weeks due to having my spinal column repaired in my neck. Instead I had three weeks to get better and then was on my own. Even then, it was my best friend that came to help me for those three weeks. All because he had a demanding job, one he moved our family to another state to have - and I was happy to do it at first.
However he began to treat me horribly, at times I contemplated suicide. He talked down to me constantly, was always stressed and angry, he treated his employees with more respect than he treated me. Even his sister saw how bad it was, so I know I wasn’t exaggerating, but he always denied it and told me I was wrong and that things were fine or that it was my fault.
Suddenly he saw how bad he was and turned around - but that wasn’t until a few months before I found out about the emotional affair.
He quit his job for another, he managed to turn his hobby into another dream job. Now he works from home, but this one also has crazy hours which leaves him tired and sometimes moody. We don’t spend any time together anymore, despite me making myself available to him. I don’t even bother to initiate now because I don’t want to have sex when there’s no emotional connection.
He always says we should go on date nights but he’s always exhausted when we go, so we end up at home by around 10:30.
His best friend lives down the road and he makes more of an effort, and never seems or acts tired to see him. They hang out regularly, which is hurtful because he never makes the same effort with me. We have gone out less than 5 times in the past year, but sees his friend regularly - even biweekly. The last time he was going out of town for awhile, he made plans to see this friend before he left instead of spending time with me.
We are drifting apart again and I feel like I don’t have anymore fight in me.
I have no job - haven’t worked in a decade because of all the moving. I have been a stay at home mom, with no degree, a chronic illness, ptsd due to the problem my family had, and no friends because we moved here right before the pandemic and I never really got to make friends.
I used to be fun and pretty, guys always noticed me and I made friends easily, but now I feel broken and empty. If it wasn’t for my kids, I probably wouldn’t even be here - but they are my world and keep me going.
Please help! What do I do?
Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Submitted June 10, 2022 at 11:56PM by WhySuchAnAsshole https://ift.tt/VFc7RON
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