My son is recently divorced, but his ex is a daughter to me and I don't want to cut her out of my life

My son (Mark, 32) and his ex (Melissa, 32) were together since they were 15. They've been best friends since they were 6, so she's known us almost her whole life. Unfortunately Mel had a horrible childhood and an absent father, so my wife and I did a lot to help her where we could. She's told me growing up I was her only real father figure, and a dad to her, and honestly I came to see her as a daughter. Mel even calls us mum and dad, and has said she wishes we were her biological parents. They were together for 17 years, and close friends for years before, and she feels as much my daughter as my biological one honestly.

Unfortunately, her and Mark just weren't to be. They are both amazing people, but I think they just grew up a bit too different, and I know having their daughters made it hard for them to keep ignoring it. From what both of the have told me, even living together they felt basically separated for the last 2 years. They just couldn't take any more of it last year, and finally fully divorced two months ago. During and since then I've stayed in contact with both of them, and especially my granddaughters. I've made sure to avoid mentioning them to each other, and I haven't 'picked a side'. I know Mark wasn't happy when he heard I was still in touch with Mel from his daughters (they mentioned seeing grandpa while at their mum's), but she's family to me.

While I've tried to keep it separate, my birthday is next month, and its causing issues. I know they aren't together anymore, but they're both family, and I want to have both there. But Mark just refused. He basically said he's my child, not her, so I shouldn't have anything to do with her anymore. He said seeing my grandchildren with her around is one thing (he doesn't like it, but 'allows' it since its about the girls), but involving Mel in anything is just wrong. Mel has said that she wants to be there for her dad's birthday, but that she doesn't want to cause drama for me. My wife thinks we should support Mark in this, and have to let Melissa go basically. I kind of understand where they're coming from, but it just feels so wrong to just cut Mel out, she's my daughter in all but blood. I just have no idea how to approach this, or if I'm just being naive or selfish.

Tl;dr: My son's ex is basically a daughter to me. I want to involve her in my life, just like my other children. My son refuses to allow it, saying he wants nothing to do with me if I do. I feel so conflicted and I'm not sure how to approach it.

Submitted January 27, 2022 at 04:01AM by throwawaydad275 https://ift.tt/33OCpNX