Me [36 M] with my wife [30 F] together 12 years, married 8, wife wants divorce and wants to be friends

We have 3 boys aged 9, 7 and 4. My wifes parents were also divorced, mine are still together.

To get some pertinent details I do have to go back a ways and say that my family all lived near her family about 10 years ago, then my dad was fired and without a degree in order for him to continue in his field they had to move a few states over. My younger brother of course went with the immediately since he was under 18 at the same and I decided to stay to be with my wife (then gf at the time) and my older brother decided to stay as well. After about 2 years my older brother decided to move to where my parents were. All of my family was gone.

Fast forward to about 5 years ago. I had a breakdown and I was in tears. I don't usually cry that much but I had told her how badly I missed my family, and how bad it hurt that we were raising our (then 2) children where my family was only seeing them a few times per year. My wife promised me that she'd be ok with moving to the state my family is in for a couple years at some point in the future, before the kids are 10. It gave me hope and we continued on.

I told her when we got started that if she ever didn't want to be a stay at home mom that she didn't have to be and we'd work together to find something that works. She tried out a real estate program and found out she didn't like it. Then she realized how much she wanted to be a lactation consultant so we looked into that. Turns out most lactation consultants have have their RN and do a lactation course. So we planned and saved and found a way to make it work where she could work on her degree while I worked full time. I wanted to get my degree too so I started working on that, at some point, but just part time. We supported each other through the whole thing, all while raising our children.

In the meantime I picked up some emotional baggage of how much I missed my family and I started doing things I shouldn't have done. With a good friend of mine, we bought a rental property and then another. Then I started doing side projects (I work as a software dev) hoping to turn one into a business and then sell it for big $. In my mind I thought I could permanently solve the problem of our families being apart with money. How sad. Anyhow, all of these endeavors certainly left less time for her and the kids. I was still changing diapers and certainly helping but admittedly It wasn't 50/50. But also, I was paying all of the bills too. You can guess how stretched thin I was between working on a degree, rental properties and side projects. Although she certainly expressed that she needed more support with the kids at times, I thought I was changing and picking up more. I mean, I did all the dishes, all the vacuuming, all the yard work, garbage days, snow removal, paid all of the bills, changed diapers, etc. I was no slouch but admittedly yes, I could have done more with the kids.

She got her associates and started working. Unfortunately, save for a short stint as a labor & delivery nurse, most of her time as a nurse has been a covid nurse and it's been tremendously stressful. Her family is anti-vax, at one point they were "covid is a hoax" and I supported her through it all. I was the only one that had her back 100% of the way.

About 2 years ago we agreed that 2022 was going to be the year. We'd move to the state my family is in and live there for about 2 years. So we started lining things up, I took a remote job, we started selling stuff that we weren't going to bring on the move.

Now I'd say I have a good relationship with her mom, we pretty much always have. But when her family found out about the move about 2 years ago they were all vehemently against it. They'd tell her don't do it. All of them too: her brother, her sister, her mom and her dad. At one point I was talking to her mom at a family get together and she was so snarky and negative that when I told her we were going for 2 years and coming back she said "Yeah well I'll believe it when I see it". She was basically calling me a liar. Even though we agreed we were going to rent a house and not buy in the new state. Currently even though we rotate holidays with her family and mine (even though mine lives a few states away and see our children a lot less), her mom had the gall to say "well when you move away you need to come home for every Christmas".

I should note that my wife values the opinion of her mother tremendously. Like, even though it hurt her so bad that her mom was an anti-vaxxer and covid protestor, she has still always respected the hell out of her mother.

Now, a little about my wife. She truly is a wonderful woman and mother. Not perfect but none of us are. She feels guilty about stuff she shouldn't feel guilty about. She's incredibly stubborn. Like, its hard to over state how stuck she can get when she makes up her mind on something. When new information arises her opinion likely won't change. She's always believed that if she has to ask or tell me to do something, like spending time with her or the kids that its unnatural and doesn't feel right. She believes that if someone does something without being asked then they truly wanted to do it and if they don't, then they didn't want to do it or they wanted to do it less. I should note here that she didn't always have to ask for me to spend time with them...maybe it was 75/25, I don't know. At no point during any conversation where she expressed some concerns did she say she was unhappy, or ask me to sell the properties, stop school, backoff on school, backoff on side projects. Looking back, I know now that she was saying she was unhappy, without saying she was unhappy.

About 4 months ago she said she couldn't do the move. She didn't feel comfortable with it. She said she felt like I was neglecting her and the children and that she was going to lose her support group by moving. I told her there was an end in site for many of the things I was working on. I was graduating with my degree finally, after 5 years, in 2022. We're going to sell the rental properties. I'd back off on all side projects, completely. No distractions, no new commitments while we were away. Then she asked about when we get back. At that point my fear of our families being apart struck and I said I'd only do 1 side project when we got back. What a fool I was for feeling that way and saying that. I could see it really upset her. Again, I was trying to fill a void in my heart with the absence of my family.

My mother-in-law and her step-father have been married for a long time, but my mother-in-law is very bitter about their marriage. They haven't had sex in 7 or 8 years. She's extremely cold to him. She won't walk across the room and give him a hug, he has to come to her. She's only there because of his insurance (my wifes words). On two occasions my wife said "I don't want to end up like <MIL> and <FIL>" and I'd agree and nod my head and I meant it, but I didn't know what she really meant. Which was actually "We're headed towards my mothers marriage, quickly, I'm building resentment for you, your behavior is making things worse and you're not making the changes that I need" and I had no idea thats what she meant. I thought she was talking about decades into the future, when we're older, that she didn't want to be old and bitter towards me.

Now up until this point you might be starting to generate opinions of me and her. I do want to point out that my honesty and transparency here should be considered. I've been honest with you about how I've screwed up and I've said a few things she's done but I've tried to be gracious towards her behavior because I do love her still and don't want to badmouth my wife. Some of what I've said up until now is just me owning my mistakes, some of it is because I'm sort of beating myself up over all of this.

2.5 months ago she said she wanted to do couples therapy. I happily agreed. I had no idea how bad things were until she brought that up. It was clear to me at that exact moment that things were far far worse than I thought. In my mind if someone had asked me about 3 months ago how things were between us, I would've said something like "we have our ups and downs, but I love her with all my heart and I'd do anything for her and I think overall we're doing fine". This was a huge wakeup call for me that my perception of our relationship was far, dangerously far, from hers. I told her right then and there, I was dropping everything, immediately. I immediately stopped work on all side projects, school was a week away from finals so I finished the semester, I came up with a plan and timeline to sell the last rental property we had. Every single minute I had that I wasn't working, I was with her and the kids.

We continued doing therapy but it was mostly one-sided. When we'd go to therapy I'd spend a while talking about how I had screwed up, how my priorities were wrong and didn't express how I'd really felt, how sorry I was for everything, how I was going to change my behavior, how much I still loved her, and I did all of the things I said I was going to do. I still remember when the therapist asked a question about "What do love about your partner" her response was...sad. She mentioned one or two things max, I rattled off about 8 and could've kept going. 2 weeks ago we were in a therapy session and I felt like it was finally an opportunity for me to ask something of her, or rather to bring up an issue I was facing. I had complained that basically for the last couple of months, basically since we started therapy that I felt no love back. That I was giving her words of affirmation, quality time, surprise gifts, hugs as soon as I came in the room, etc. And that I had none of that back. That she'd come home and not even come over to hug me. She'd say on multiple occasions "I'm trying". Looking back now, I know understand what she really meant was "I don't actually love you anymore, and I haven't for a long time but I'm working on getting those feelings back". Oh god, I had no idea. I should note that during the entirety of all of this, my wife and I would still hang out, we'd joke and laugh about all sorts of things.

Fast forward to a week ago and we were sitting in the living room together just kinda chatting about stuff while she was working on something. At some point we had a small disagreement on something and it turned into a more deeper conversation. It was kind of the head of me not feeling anything back from her. I apologized profusely for how she felt. She told me for the first time ever that she felt lonely, for a long time. She told me that she internalized it and thought there was something wrong with her because I didn't just naturally spend time with her, without being asked (again, there were times I'd spend time with her without being asked but the ratio isn't great). She said that the resentment over the last year or two has grown so much that she couldn't feel much towards me. Eventually she stopped loving me. I was devastated. I had absolutely no idea. She said she truly believed there was no way she could ever love me again. I said I was willing to continue trying without feeling the love back, that I'd ask nothing in return from her again, that I don't want to give up on us, and our marriage and our children. I promised that if she'd keep trying, I'd never ask her to move away ever again. I offered to drop out of school immediately. I apologized profusely, in tears, about how I had my priorities all jacked up because I missed my parents and brothers and how painful it was to raise our children with my family only seeing them a few times a year. I told her I wasn't justifying my behavior, I truly screwed up, I should've done therapy on my own to sort though all of that instead of just working harder and trying harder to fix it. I told her I had no idea just how bad things were, and how she was feeling. If I had known things were even half that dire I would've changed so many things, so fast.

None of it could change her mind though. I told her that I had changed my behavior immediately 2.5 months ago as soon as I realized how bad things were, before that I had no idea. Of course I didn't think things were perfect or close to perfect, but I had no idea things were dire. I asked if she'd consider still doing couples therapy and she said no. I asked if she'd consider doing a separation. She said "I would, but I don't want to give you any hope". I asked her "2.5 months ago, you said you wanted to do therapy, you were willing to try, just a little. Can you find 2.5 month ago version of you and just try a little bit, I won't ask anything in return as you work through this. I'm not asking for 2 year ago version of you, or 4 year ago version of you." She said she just couldn't, that there was nothing left. I'm powerless to influence the situation, I'm powerless to change anything.

Now here's the tricky part. My wife quit her job about 2 months ago. We started talking about how we're going to split stuff up. She doesn't want the house, she wants something even closer to her family. Due to what she wants to do and the timeline of the kids school and everything, she's going to be here for a few months. Now part of the issue in all of this is that my wife didn't effectively communicate her wants and needs, and I misunderstood all of the good times we were having where we'd laugh till we cried as happiness, and love. So where things are really fucking with my head is that the day after all that crying and deciding she wants a divorce and she doesn't want me to try anymore...she's acting like she's always acted. She's laughing, and smiling, and being friendly. The saddest part of this for me is that these behaviors that she's always had, the way that she's always acted towards me, at some point they became not behaviors of happiness and love, but behaviors of friendship. My wife has always said I was her very best friend in the entire world, even when we were still in love. So here I am, struggling to separate her behavior and understand what the hell it all means. And I'm basically expected to endure this for the next 3 months. I'm losing my fucking mind.

The children at first took the news horribly at first (expected) but we told them we were going to work together and that they'd still see us both a lot, that none of this has anything to do with them, that we'd always love them and support them and be there for them no matter what. They started to feel a little bit better about it. She said "can I let you in on a little secret? You'll get double presents for Christmas!" They laughed, I had a lump in my throat. My wife basically normalized divorce for them. She took her own childhood experience of divorce and slapped it here. I told the children that they can feel free to feel whatever they want to feel: happiness, sadness, anger. That they could come and talk to us at any time for any reason, ask any question, and that they can feel whatever they want to feel. Of course our 4 year old doesn't understand much of whats going on.

I don't even know that I have a question at this point, I'm just...at a loss. I'm doing my best to stay strong for the children. I haven't cried in front of them. I really only want to be cooperative with my wife to do the best for our children, I don't want to be friends with her. My heart is broken. If you've ever watched those shows where they're interviewing someone that lived next to a serial killer for a decade and had no idea they'd say stuff like "The guy just seemed pretty normal to me, I had no idea." Well thats exactly how I feel. I had no idea my wife could do this, or be this way.

TL;DR: wife wants to friend zone me after she dropped a bombshell on me that she doesn't love me anymore, and hasn't loved me for a long time (at least 6 months if not a year). She's acting like she's always acted, for the 12 years that we've been together. With the exception that she no longer says "I love you" no longer will kiss, no longer will hug. But otherwise she's acting the same way. She wants to continue to be friends now, and for the next 3 months until she moves out, and even after we divorce.

Submitted January 23, 2022 at 02:37AM by AnyPrize https://ift.tt/3FT0pfF