My boyfriend (M26) broke up with me (F23) 2 weeks ago and I’m struggling with feelings of shame, regrets and ‘what if’s’.

My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. In this time, I’ve done more self-reflecting and have more clarity than ever before in my life - he was really important to me, after all! However, I have come to feel guilty about the poor choices I made during the relationship. Whilst I understand much of it was out of my ‘control’, aka I didn’t know why I was doing certain things until after, I feel extremely guilty. He’s such a beautiful person and he was very patient with me, but it burnt him out and he couldn’t keep going and I realised too late. In these couple of weeks, I’ve realised I have an anxious attachment style that ultimately lead to me self-sabotaging the relationship. I wouldn’t compromise much on communication/space, I created arguments out of silly things and during PMS, I could become out of control and use not nice language. It’s eating me up alive that I acted so poorly. I’ve had to force myself to stop apologising and explaining my newfound clarity, and to also stop reading old texts and beating myself up for it.

I’ve booked in to speak to a psychologist. He and I are both proud of me for doing that, and he’s thankful that I now have the clarity he desired from me for the year-long relationship, but the decision still lies and I agree with it that we shouldn’t be together whilst I do my own healing work (I long for a chance in future but so far, not looking so good..).

How do I forgive myself? I feel like I owe people but most importantly myself - which I will do through therapy. I’m full of guilt and shame, despite never have malicious intent in my wrongdoings and knowing full well I was also a loving, caring partner.

P.S. I just want to add - naturally I’m very caring and demonstrated that a lot. I feel I went above and beyond with things like teaching him how to cook for the future, surprising him with snacks at work, all those sorts of things. To be fair, I didn’t really receive the same effort back in terms of him surprising me or organising dates because ‘that’s just how he is’. I’ve put a lot of the blame on myself but I did feel undesired a lot and expressed it. We have spoken and I’ve apologised and explained how I understand his POV now with immense clarity. He says thanks and to not worry about apologise anymore, as the understanding I have means far more. We are really amicable and have love for each other (spark is gone post break-up, obviously). He’s said he’s going to reach out in a couple of months and we can go for coffee or a walk but agreed to not have false hope. I can’t help but feel I really owe him and I want to show the best version of myself, because genuinely he’s such a fantastic gentle guy. I feel so silly typing this. Agh would love some advice or words of wisdom!

TL;DR I’m struggling post break-up to keep distance and feeling ill over the poor things I did (none maliciously) as my ex is such a great guy but just lacked effort and enthusiasm for me. Seeking advice on what to do and if there’s any hope for future.

Submitted January 28, 2022 at 04:32AM by MediterraneanGal https://bit.ly/3Gd01J9