I turned 30 recently. I celebrated with some takeout and a trip to the bookstore, the way I've celebrated the last couple years. My husband made me a cake. I should be grateful. Instead I've been reflecting on how old and alone I feel.
The pandemic did a number on my mental health. I made a lot of big decisions. My husband and I moved in February 2020. I deleted a lot of social media in the throes of the pandemic. I check in with the news once a day or say but I otherwise stay in my own little bubble. My books and little hobbies and family and the two or three old friends I text once a week or so. I don't know what music people listen to or movies or TV or anything people like or care about because it felt overwhelming to keep up. I have a younger sister who keeps me somewhat up to date but the more she tells me the older I feel. Me in my grandma sweaters and my healthcare desk job and my music I've been listening to since high school. I feel incredibly stagnant.
But I've been trying. I've tried out new hobbies, learned new things, trying to find some meaning in my life. But as time passes the older I feel. I get excited about Tupperware and going to bed at 9:30. Vacations and socializing are distant memories. My husband I have sex at best once a month. He'll initiate and my first thought is "why though?" And it's not his fault, he's kind and loving and sweet, but I don't have an ounce of lust in my body for him or anyone else.
I probably sound depressed, and I am. I've started on an SSRI and have been in therapy for a few months. And it has helped my overall mood (except sadder days like today). But I still just feel like I've been floating through my life and now I'm here, 30 years old, a feral woman with latent dreams and a lot of loneliness. Where do I go with all this?
tl;dr: getting older is taking a toll on me. How do I feel less alone?
Submitted January 23, 2022 at 07:53PM by Majestic-Ad9450 https://ift.tt/3Kzm549
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