Extreme guilt/remorse over sexually experimenting with sibling while in grade school. Feeling unworthy of anything good

I can’t remember what age we were, but we were both in grade school (both girls). It was somewhere between 3rd - 5th grade so I was somewhere between 8-11 years old. I am older only by 18 months.

My younger sister and I were inseparable when we were younger. We constantly hung out and played together.

My sister would also always follow everything I’d do. I was the “leader” older sister (for lack of a better word), so if I wanted to do something, that’s what we would do. I wouldn’t force her to do anything, it was just how we were.

Well one day I decided I wanted to pretend we were strippers. We both had sweaters on (from what I can remember) but no pants and only underwear. I decided our “stripper outfit” was to tuck our underwear between our vaginal lips and “swing” around a tall standing fan I had in my room.

I then wanted to practice kissing, so I had us “French kiss” so I could try and be good at it.

As per her normal behavior, she just followed with what I said.

Recently, it has been haunting me. As far as I can remember, it was just a one off incident. But me and my sister grew apart as we got older. We have had a tough relationship I’d say starting somewhere in middle school.

I used to remember it from time to time and cringe at young childhood behavior but kept it moving. But one day I wondered if that was the cause of our issues and I have not been able to relax since.

I am tormented at the thought that this could be the cause of it. She claims it was something else that caused our riff, but what if that is a cover up as neither of us have ever talked about it?

TL;DR - Was this normal behavior for that age? Or did I cause serious damage? Does anyone else have similar experiences?

I feel as if I deserve nothing good & that I am some type of monster.

I can’t tell or talk to anyone about this due to immense guilt & shame and am in desperate search of answers & support.

Submitted January 28, 2022 at 10:20PM by kittykatmeow298 https://bit.ly/3ochV8z