Buckle Up, I’m going to be as thorough as possible!
I met my Dude on Match in July 2020. Our first date was on July 25th. We had been texting leading up to the first date and I really enjoyed our texting chemistry. I hadn’t been blown away by his profile so I was surprised when our text exchange was good. I was nervous out date would be a dud because often a great texting chemistry doesn’t translate into good in person chemistry, in my past experiences.
First date went well. He wasn’t my ‘type’ based on his appearance in that he gave off a vibe that felt out of my comfort zone range as far as how he dressed and kind of held himself. However, we got to talking and the conversation was great. My bias was shattered and he intrigued me greatly because of it. He was a great listener, responded thoughtfully, had interesting stories and conversations, and we seemed to have a lot in common. Second date went just as well. I started off thinking that there’s no way this guy and I are going to work out, maybe because my senses were thrown off by him. We met for dinner and ended up spending a total of five hours together that night. We walked and talked, we joked, and eventually we ended up just sitting in my car and talking for a couple of hours.
By our third date, I was ready to ask to date monogamously because I hadn’t kissed him yet due to COVID and us not having discussed our personal dating life much. I had gone on other dates until this point because after 5 years single, I wasn’t counting my chickens before they hatched. We weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend but we were dating only each other to see how things went and keep it safe.
We went on a weekend trip that he planned (and paid for! What?!) in October, which happened to fall right around my birthday. I didn’t want to make the trip about my birthday but he came to pick me up to leave with a huge bouquet of roses and a gift in hand. I couldn’t believe it.
November 13th we made it official and became BF/GF after an especially romantic and intimate night we shared together. It was lovely.
Fast forward to now. It’s been 2 months as BF/GF and a few days away from 6 months since our first date. We have had quite a few conflicts and even a couple of fights. We are both great at communicating and resolving things, although we still have things to work on as well. He talks to me honestly about things when I bring stuff up, I’ve brought conflict communication solutions to him and he has agreed to work on it with me, we can talk about very serious things and still be intimate and silly with each other. I feel very lucky to be dating this man and I am excited to see where this leads.... which brings me to my current dilemma!
As a 34/F I have a history behind me that has shaped my decisions. I had a 12+ year relationship where I never got married but did end up with some PTSD about lying that compounded some abandonment issues from my family. On top of some other messy tries at relationships, once I cut off from that super LTR I committed to myself and growing and learning and building my life up. Through anxiety and at times crippling depression, I made a new life for myself. And I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I dated casually over that time, wanting to not feel lonely while also knowing I wasn’t ready or looking for a relationship. It actually wasn’t until last year when I signed back up for match after a 6 month period of no dating (and my first solo mushroom trip) that I decided I was actually ready to try a relationship again. And this Dude was my first date after that decision (which is crazy to me!). After our first date, he asked me what I was looking for and I asked him to answer his own question first, to which he replied “I’m looking for a woman with whom I can see myself having a possible serious relationship with.” Things just seem to line up, and we have some very interesting coincidences.
As I enjoyed our relationship growing and becoming, I played with ideas of things between us but always kind of kept it in my mind that it is VERY unlikely that this dude will be sticking around. I guess I just didn’t want to get hurt again or get my hopes too high. Despite that, I’ve been falling more and more in love with him. To the point now, where I want to say “I love you”. We have not exchanged this between us yet despite a very intimate bond between us and very tender words and physical contact. I refuse to say it first because I think it’s important he says it first, for both of our sakes.
His back story is that he was married and is now divorced. They were together for a total of 8 years with 2 of those years being married. He was in another LTR after that for 3 years with an older woman with kids, and then a 1 year relationship with a year single and dating between her and me. We have talked about some of his feelings and the things that happened in those relationships. I know he still has unresolved pain about some of the things that happened and he seems to be both extremely vulnerable and open with me, and also closed off at times, when something really hits a nerve and he feels too vulnerable to share.
The reason I bring all this out is that today I feel like I got smacked hard by reality. As I have been living my life and exploring and growing and healing, I’ve been taking things day by day and not really looking at my future too hard. I’ve never wanted kids all that much, however I would like to get married if I find the right person. That would mean a GREAT deal to me.
Writing things out for myself and what I’m thinking I want, I wrote that I would love to get married in the next 3-5 years if things work out with Dude. I want adequate time to get to know each other and I’m still scared after my LTR ended up being such a shitshow. Yes, I started it when I was 15 and it’s kind of to be expected since I had no skills at that point, but after investing so much time, I want to be more sure I’m making a good decision this time around.
However, recently I’ve been thinking more and more about what it might be like to have a child and a family. And sometimes it makes me cry to think about. For a long time it felt like a cute day dream, something different to think about but nothing I actually saw myself doing. Lately, I want it more and more. I guess with this dude, because he’s the one I think about doing it with. And suddenly, I realize I can’t wait 5 years. I would be basically 40. I would have to be ready in the next year or two if I want to actually try and make this thing happen for myself. If I want a baby.
Now, Dude and I have talked about marriage fairly casually because of the divorce situation, I had lots of questions. (He didn’t tell me until 4 months in and we were official!) I know he is VERY hesitant to ever get married again. He didn’t say it was off the table but he did make it clear that he wouldn’t rush into it and it would 100% have to be the right person.
I cannot see myself having a baby with him before getting married. Not because of any religious beliefs but because of security. I’d rather not have a kid and wait to get married in my timeline than rush into a kid without getting married first and having some kind of security around the situation.
So now, I need to have this conversation with him. And the thing is, I don’t want to ruin anything we have going. I don’t want to rush us, though I know that is exactly what I would be doing. If I was in my 20’s or even just 30, I would take it slower. But at 34 I feel like I need to know what to expect and wether I should continue investing time and energy into this or start looking again. He can always date someone younger and reset his biological clock, but my window is closing unless I want to adopt. Either way, I don’t think I want to start a family too close to 40.
I’m thinking about approaching this conversation with him in mid to late February. It would be 3 months official and 7 months since our first date. I want to wait until we hit a year, but I also don’t want to waste my own time and keep letting myself get attached and invested if Dude ultimately doesn’t want the same things as I do. The talks we have had have always been hypothetical and loose because it hasn’t felt like a viable option in my life, or his it seems. Until now?
I WOULD LOVE ADVICE ON HOW NOT TO MAKE THIS NIGHTMARE FUEL FOR HIM OR MYSELF. I would love YouTube videos on how to think about this kind of situation, how to think about marriage or set yourself up for success in relationships. Or about being a great couple while parenting. Personal stories or observations. Anything that can help me get some greater perspective on this situation and help me be sure of what I want and where I stand so I can be calm and straightforward during our conversation.
My plan is to open this up. To tell Dude what I’m thinking and why. To explain my thought process and make myself clear to him about all of this. And then encourage him to take a week or two to think about it. Not to rush into responding and to really allow himself time to decide how he feels and what he wants.
So far I am thinking the kid (I only want 1) is negotiable but marriage is not. The kid moves up the marriage time line A LOT. Marriage with no kid give us more time. I guess I’m willing to take a bit of a gamble with this dude. I’ve always played it safe in my life and I’ve regretted not taking more chances when I was younger. Today I’ve been feeling that if I’ve decided this is what I want, I have to be willing to take a big chance and just see what ends up happening. Life never goes according to plan no matter how well you plan things out anyway.
Again, I don’t want to sabotage my relationship with Dude. So really getting a handle on how and when to have this conversation would be immensely helpful to me. At the very least, I could just use some moral support while I try to do this very scary thing that might scare my Dude away. Fingers crossed for a good outcome whatever happens.
TLDR:
I want to talk about marriage and babies and a very short timeline with my BF of 2-6 months (depending on how you slice it). I sound like a crazy person but my ovaries clocks are ticking. I’m not looking to pressure him into a particular answer, I just want to know his honest answers and I don’t want to stress him out with this conversation. Help me please!
Submitted January 21, 2021 at 09:55PM by Syraeth https://ift.tt/3qUBNw7
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