Hello, I am in a bit of a pickle.
This year, I moved in with two random roommates off-campus at my college. I met one of the girls on a housing group on FB and so we did not know each other beforehand. We're all seniors and this is our last year at school, and we're also from very different far-apart parts of the country.
Up until this year, I exclusively identified as straight. I had no problem with being attracted to someone of the same sex, I just wasn't. I have always liked boys and have had a lot of crushes growing up as well have dated several guys I was super into. When I moved into the house and we started getting to know each other and our backstories/lives I even identified myself as "straight" in terms of sexuality to my roommate (to whom I now realize I have feelings for).
I don't know if it was the quarantine, my one roommate being very candid about her sexuality and owning it, her laugh and her charming mannerisms, her general aura, or what. One day I looked at her and realized that she literally was my "type" - everything about her was magnetizing and beautiful to me. I realized I wanted to know her on a level of more than just platonic female friendship - I realized I was attracted to her, and through that realization I came to notice that I actually was attracted to women - maybe it shook loose a realization in me but suddenly it seemed just as familiar to me as being attracted to men.
But here's the thing - she has no idea. In fact, from her perspective I think she sees me in a very different perspective than what I'm feeling internally. I think she very much believes I am a sexually straight, straight-edged, nice Catholic girl. We've had some discussions about religion and my sexual history (I was raised very religious and even though I don't quite fit into the boxes anymore I still have a very "capital-G" God-based spirituality). I've never had sex, a choice I made for myself (not cause of parents or rules forcing me). I definitely seem very prim and repressed, and I have a suspicion she thinks I could be homophobic (which is effing funny because I'm literally raging for her). I also think I'm a very exuberant and affectionate person (which is multiplied 100x if I have feelings for someone) which I am perceiving she thinks is a facade whereas I'm actually a judgmental asshole on the inside. And it's like NO I'M ACTUALLY REALLY SOFT AND MELTING AND I'M IN LOVE AND WRITING BAD POETRY ABOUT YOU BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
So like....I have all these feelings. But I am also aware of certain complications. 1. We're roommates, and have another roommate who is both of our friends who I would not want to put in the middle of this or make feel uncomfortable. Also, even if she was cool with it there is a chance we could break up and it be volatile and messy and still a problem 2. We are very different. I am so infatuated, but we are. She's very sarcastic and sometimes blunt and I'm a bit more sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily which would not be a great combination in a relationship probably. (We sometimes get into disagreements in the house as roommates) 3. We have somewhat opposite views of the world. I believe in God, she doesn't. She had a pretty turbulent and wild teenage and young adulthood, I was very tame and sheltered. She's pretty withdrawn and reserved by nature, I am very excitable and affectionate.
But.....
I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER. I dream about her. I talk to my parents and friends. I cry. I pine. I think she's magnificent and even though we're so different I think it just fascinates me with her even more. And more than that...there ARE things we meet each other on. We have similar family histories and traumas. Although she doesn't show it always, she talks about having a very sensitive nature within. We cook together, we laugh, we watch TV and movies, and I just have this ACHE because I like this person so much and they literally have no idea. When we're drunk she tells me I'm pretty and I drunkenly fall asleep in her single bed (inebriated me knows what she wants and has no filter LMAO) while she's talking to our friends and when she wakes me up she says I'm smiling as she calls my name and helps me to bed. We watch Ratatouille and I as innocently as possible snuggle into her comparing us to Linguini (me) and Collette (her) and I just WANT HER.
If I don't tell her how I feel by the end of the year when our lease is up I think I'll SORELY regret it. I know I will. At the same time, I don't want to ruin our friendship or the dynamics of the house and maybe we're not even compatible. I just don't want to regret saying nothing and letting her go.
Tl; DR: I thought I was straight until this year. I met my hot, intelligent, sharp lesbian femme roommate and went "fck, guess I'm bisexual." I'm seriously infatuated and want to tell her (at least before we graduate/finish our lease) but I don't want to upset the delicate balance of our house dynamics or our friendship for nothing if we're not realistically compatible to have a successful relationship. I also feel like she misunderstands who I am a lot of the time (or believes I think ill of her) and I want her to just know me and realize how in love with her I am. What should I do???
Submitted January 01, 2021 at 12:23AM by SweetPreparation8916 https://ift.tt/38P4Utf
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