My girlfriend and I have been dating for over three years. Overall, things are great. There are ups and downs, but we've managed to grow a lot together, and our relationship is stronger than ever. We have been living together for around a year.
With that being said, she frequently (a few times per week) has these "pouty" fits, where she ignores me and acts passively aggressively towards me. Typically it's a result of something I did that she disliked (or something I failed to do.) The most recent example:
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We got back from a road trip yesterday, and today we had to do a lot of house chores and errands. I drove us around and helped with shopping, and helped clean the apartment after we got back. We made dinner together, and then after dinner I started reading a book. She told me she was going to fold laundry and left. Thirty minutes later, I asked her something about the book I was reading (she had recently read it as well), and I got a one word response "no...". I could tell instantly that she was in her "pouty" mood. The problem was that I had no idea why. I asked her what is up, and if there is anything I can help with, and I got another cold "no...". Earlier in the day we had talked about doing a date night. We had agreed on watching a movie, having some wine, and playing a board game earlier in the day. I thought she was mad that I wasn't taking initiative on the date night, so I started setting all of this up. While I was doing this, she walked in to the living room, and stared at the board game for a brief second with a look that said "you have got to be joking". I asked her if she was joining, and she walked away without looking at me or saying anything. She stayed in our bedroom without speaking to me for the next hour, despite multiple attempts to crack her open. I was getting frustrated and was feeling bad, like I must have done something awful, but I didn't know what.
After an hour, she came out and sat on my lap on the sofa, waiting for me to say something. I had already given up on trying to talk to her at this point, so I didn't say anything. After a couple of minutes, she burst open, telling me how she had to do all of the chores, and how I didn't appreciate any of the chores she does. I do genuinely appreciate everything she does, and honestly I could probably do a better job expressing my gratitude. What frustrated me though is she never asked me to help with the chores. Typically I do the dishes and clean the kitchen before going to bed, and since it was early in the night after a long day, reading for 30 minutes after dinner didn't seem like a big deal. Anyway, I reminded her of how grateful I was, and I told her I was planning on doing the kitchen later, and we sort of made up. She still seemed cold, but was now at least talking to me. I was frustrated that she ran off to the bedroom and ignored me for an hour, and I told her that we should talk when we are frustrated with each other. Her response was "you should just know to do these things." I told her that I cannot read her mind, but I am more than happy to help whenever she would like me to. She made another cold remark, and I told her that I expect both of us to talk to each other like adults when there is some sort of conflict. I genuinely believe this is important to be able to do at any time, and although I felt like some of her frustration was justified, I was frustrated myself with her passive aggressive behavior! At that point, she got up, and told me I was acting like an a-hole, and AGAIN went off to her room — this time for the rest of the night.
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For some context, I work full time, typically 50 hours per week, while she is not working but doing online classes for 4-6 hours per day. I am paying for all of our living expenses at the moment, but I am opposed to treating her like a housewife and making her do all of the cooking/cleaning. With that being said, I don't think it's unreasonable if she has to carry a bit more weight at the moment. I cook, clean, and meal prep food for the week, bake bread for us, etc., so it's not like I'm sitting on the couch drinking beer 24/7 while she runs the house.
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She gets like this a few times per week. When we talk, even if it's about a major issue, we tend to work things out. Whenever I try to talk about her behavior though, and how she turns cold and passive aggressive sometimes, she calls me an a-hole and says something equivalent to "you should just know/do these things automatically, without me telling you".
I don't know how to get around this problem. I honestly feel like we should be able to talk about anything. Especially when I am working 50 hours per week at a stressful job (engineering), my mind is tired when I get home, and I feel like I don't catch onto these cues as easily as when I'm rested. If she doesn't want to talk about it, and continues to act out in this way, I honestly don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I should acknowledge it, and try to get whatever is frustrating her out of her, or if I should ignore and condemn her childish behavior. Nothing seems to work. What can I do to prevent these outbursts, or at least resolve them right away?
tl;dr: Girlfriend gets passive aggressive and ignores me when she doesn't get her way, or when she gets upset with me. She answers in one word, won't look at me, and hides in the bedroom until she feels like it. No conversations means no resolution, which means we are both left frustrated. In these scenarios, she thinks I am a jerk or doing something wrong, and I feel guilty and confused... and eventually get frustrated. How do I get her to talk or stop having these pouty fits?
Submitted January 02, 2021 at 07:11PM by phaser1299 https://ift.tt/38UcYsB
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