Ever since my (30F) fiance came out as trans (MtF, 32) I feel like I have been losing her. We have a baby on the way and I don't know if I should stay.

Using a throwaway, hope this is allowed here.

I met Olivia when she was Ben. I will refer to Ben with 'he' pronouns before he came out, I hope that's ok. Ben and I met when we were in college. Been together ever since, a very happy relationship with standard ups and downs. Moved in together after two years dating. Then, three years ago he proposed and of course I said yes. We were supposed to get married in 2020 but coronavirus forced us to cancel our plans. We could've rescheduled it but we've decided to wait until we can truly have all of our friends and family around us. We've already had a fairly long engagement, I didn't mind waiting a bit longer so it could be perfect.

We have talked about kids extensively and agreed we both want them. Tbh I was hoping that it would happen once we were married, but when I found out that I was pregnant I didn't even think about getting rid of it for a split second. It just felt extremely right. I'm smiling just writing about it. We both have reasonably well paid jobs, we live together and we love each other. Who cares if the baby comes before marriage!

I need to rewind for a moment. During lockdown in March 2020, Ben and I were both working from home. Like everyone else, we were both incredibly bored with nothing to do. This led to us having sex a lot more than normal, and Ben wanted to try new things. I know that with all the time on his hands he'd been watching more porn and stuff, and he said something he was really getting into was crossdressing. I was SO surprised by this because Ben was a very typical 'manly man'. He didn't ever express any interest in feminine hobbies or clothing, but I was more than happy to try it out with him. We both enjoyed ourselves and it became a more regular thing in the bedroom for us.

During this time, Ben became a bit more reserved when we weren't having sex. We didn't talk like we used to, and when we were able to go back outside again he wasn't keen to see friends or family. Usually Ben is the life of the party, we have a very wide social circle and he thrived when he was making people laugh. He wasn't sleeping at night either and seemed very attached to his phone or laptop. Looking back, I really hate myself for not pushing him to open up to me. Obviously he was going through a very difficult time, and I wasn't there for him. I wonder if there's something wrong with me.

Ben began cross dressing around the house in a non-sexual context. I am well-acquainted with transgender issues, I have always thought of myself as an ally and wish to support the community. That's why it's even worse that I didn't realise anything. I wear his clothes around the house often, and I just figured he began wearing mine too for the sake of comfort or fun. Again, I should've asked what he was going through, but for some reason it just went completely over my head! Again, I hate myself for not being there for him.

Nothing much else really happened until I found out I was pregnant. I am now 10 weeks. I told Ben and he began crying happy tears. He seemed as joyful as me, but also kind of... detached? I don't know how to explain it. I just told him the biggest news of our lives, and while he was hugging me and crying something felt like it wasn't Ben.

Two days after my pregnancy discovery, Ben told me that she isn't really Ben. Her name is Olivia, and she wants to transition to live as a woman. God, everything was such a blur. I kinda laughed at first and thought she was joking, but I soon realised how serious she was. My first question was "what does this mean for me and the baby?" and it was then that I knew I screwed up. She began to cry and told me I only think of myself. Everything else, I think I was unfair about, but I don't think it was wrong of me to ask that question. There's a baby to think about now. What do you guys think?

Olivia changed very quickly tbh. She went from only occasionally dressing up around the house to wearing my clothes 24/7. That was only for a short time, she ordered her own clothes quickly and has an entire new wardrobe and makeup. This was a point of contention between us - I wouldn't mind if she was buying basics, but she was buying Chanel makeup when we have a baby to save for. I told her that she could share my makeup, but she didn't want to.

This has been very hard for me to deal with. Combined with the hormones and the stress of corona I have just been finding it difficult to be alive. We have been waiting until I am 12 weeks to tell everyone about my pregnancy and Olivia wants to use it as an opportunity to also A) start HRT and B) tell everyone that she is trans. I think everyone has already figured it out because she presents entirely female now, she has posted numerous photos on Facebook. I have messages from friends asking how she identifies that I haven't answered because I just don't know how.

Olivia identifies as a lesbian and I am a straight woman. According to Olivia, I must really be bisexual to have fallen in love with her. But here's the thing, and if you want to call me a terrible person then don't bother because I already know. I can't be in love with Olivia as a woman. I fell madly in love with her when she was Ben, and when I look at her I still see the Ben that I've lost. I don't know if I'm dealing with some subconscious transphobia that I haven't dealt with or if it's just because I haven't had time to adjust to all this yet, but every time I see her I can only see Ben. I don't want to be in a lesbian relationship with Olivia, I just want Ben. Don't get me wrong, lesbians are great and I am happy that Olivia is one, but I'm straight and this whole thing is so confusing.

Lately I don't know what to do. For the first time I kinda feel like I don't want to be around Olivia. I don't know if I'm right for her anymore. I don't know if she's right for me anymore. We have a fucking baby that'll be here in like 6 months and I want to give it the best life possible. But I also don't know if it's right to raise a baby with parents that don't want to be together. I asked myself: if the baby wasn't here, would you have left Olivia? And I think I might have. Everything has changed so fast.

I would really like some unbiased and honest advice. Please no hateful comments about my fiance. I still love her so much but I just don't know what to do.

TL;DR - Fiance came out as trans woman two days after I found out I was pregnant. Feel like she's a completely different person and I don't know if we're right for each other anymore, but I'm not sure if I should try to make things work because of the baby.

Submitted January 21, 2021 at 03:43PM by Historical-Project-5 https://ift.tt/3pbWx1K