I (24f) haven't used reddit in years but I made this account because I need some opinions on this. Apologies for formatting etc.
My sister (29f) has been married to her Husband (35?m) for about five years. Their relationship is miserable to be around. They bicker and argue constantly and I have seen less and less of her over the years because of this.
He is a bit of a slob and is happy to lay on the couch playing video games for hours on end, leaving her do most of the housework and raise their three kids. He has always been like this. He always liked to drink and smoke and was never someone who could be called ambitious. He is very much the stereotype of husband-is-just-another-kid-she-has-to-raise. I don't honestly know what she ever saw in him; at the beginning when they were younger I think she was just so excited to have a big wedding/buy a house/have babies she just figured he would grow up. IDK I'm trying to keep my personal opinions out of this but I am so upset. My apologies.
My sister works in the healthcare field but since she gave birth to her third child she has stayed home to take care of the kids (all aged 5 and under). I think not contributing financially has made her feel guilty so she tolerates her husband's behavior.
Here are some of the behaviors that stand out to me as most concerning:
While he has never been physical to my knowledge, he has repeatedly called my sister lazy, stupid, annoying, nagging, bitch, crazy, wrong, etc etc. This has worn down my sister's self-esteem and confidence. I have tried telling her it's unacceptable, it's untrue, and have pushed her towards mental health care, but nothing seems to stick and she seems too worn down to do anything about it. As someone who has personally experienced psychological abuse in relationships, I know how warped the mind games can be and I'm worried she's in a place where she can't see her own situation very clearly.
One of their children is neurodivergent. He has told my sister the barrier is too big for him to overcome and he has pretty much "given up" on having a relationship with that child. This breaks my heart because this child is an absolute angel and he has begun to clearly favor the other two.
A few months ago he and one of his buddies got incredibly drunk. They were up super late being drunk idiots (while my sister was upstairs trying to keep the kids asleep) and he ended up sending his friend to the hospital. My sister had to call an ambulance and perform lifesaving measures on this friend because husband was too drunk and having a meltdown. Friend came out okay but took up one more bed in a hospital during a pandemic for no good reason. Husband never thanked her. Later, he made a big show of dumping out all the liquor but has since gone back to drinking. (He is not an alcoholic to my knowledge, he just likes to maintain this part of his lifestyle.)
Most recently, my sister was taking a nap and he was "watching" the kids. The youngest (age 1) somehow managed to get outside. The back deck is on the second floor. When my sister woke up, husband told her "I can't find X anywhere." Sister found the baby all the way at the bottom of the back steps, meaning the one year old was out long enough to climb down the steps. Husband says "she couldn't have been out long" but in my mind any amount of time OUTSIDE unsupervised is too much for a TODDLER?? It is November and we live in the midwest. I am imagining their poor kid falling off the deck or down the steps, freezing cold, or a neighbor could have spotted the poor thing and called CPS. My sister called me to and told me this and passed if off as "oh, looks like I can't take a nap anymore" but I was just shaking. If I wasn't waiting for a Covid test result, I would have gone over there myself. This is neglect right?
They have been in and out of marriage counseling repeatedly and at one point a pastor, after hearing about husband not wanting a relationship with the one child, told my sister to pursue divorce. Obviously, this has not happened.
My sister is an incredible mom. It's what she's always wanted to be. She loves those kids more than anything. But she doesn't seem to see that her relationship with her husband is clearly having an affect on her kids wellbeing.
I asked her, if money was't a concern, what kind of choices would she make, and she immediately said she's too afraid of divorce because A) she doesn't want to lose the house and B) she is afraid he would get unsupervised partial custody and she doesn't trust him to watch them for more than an hour by himself.
I don't know anything about how divorce works or what custody would look like. I don't have kids. I'm not married. I keep feeling like it's not my place to do anything about it because I don't honestly know what I'm talking about. But I am worried that, in this state, she doesn't have the confidence to do anything about this and the last straw will be too late. I am so worried about these kids.
Is this my responsibility or my place to do something? Should I step in and try to separate them? What would that even look like? Help me reddit.
TL;DR My sister and her husband have an awful relationship and I'm worried about how it is affecting their kids. I am considering actively tryin to split them up.
Submitted November 22, 2020 at 03:24PM by yikesyikes777 https://ift.tt/2J0fd4H
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