My wife (25F) and I (25F) are navigating the holidays alone this year, and I am saddened by her behavior.

Growing up, my wife (25F) and I (25F) had somewhat difficult circumstances with our parents. (Background: my wife is the child of two divorced parents who remarried, and I am the child of an absentee father and otherwise decent parents, except for the whole coming out thing, lol, they didn’t respond well to that)

These challenges led to us having negative childhood experiences during the holidays that presented themselves as challenges with custody, arguments between family, parents who were stressed out (and lashed out with being pretty neurotic), or just not being present at all. With that said, we have coped differently with our childhood as adults.

For myself, I tend to take the approach of “we get fortune of curating our own holiday experiences now and we can turn it into anything we like.” My wife, on the other hand, tends to take the “the holidays are forever ruined, and there is no point in trying to celebrate them because they are just too stressful” approach. Despite years of therapy and mental health support, it seems that she may never heal from her experiences.

I have always taken an incredibly supportive approach by: trying to create a wonderfully positive atmosphere, taking on a large burden of the “stressful” parts of the holiday (planning, cooking, etc), encouraging unpacking childhood trauma in therapy, encouraging her to talk with me about what she prefers in terms of how we celebrate, etc. While sometimes she tries to respond positively (and she does put genuine effort into trying sometimes), she still makes comments about how she would just rather never celebrate, or she will just suck it up and “fake it.”

While I do have realistic expectations, for instance, I do not expect her to wax poetics about how thankful she is on thanksgiving or to even put a significant effort into celebrating holidays, it would be nice if she could just put any effort into having a good day with me so we don’t continue to cycle of having shitty, stressful holidays. It feels like she tried a lot harder before we got married (we got married last month) and now, it feels like she is content sulking or acting like everything is a hassle.

Being away from my family this year (my mother, step father, siblings) is a bit harder than normal, as I’m not only missing the celebration with my family (in my culture, food holidays are really important) but I’m also missing the birth of my first niece. It has really shown me that I’ve enjoyed their holiday cheer and I’m so disappointed to realize that I may never have it in my own household and I’m saddened to potentially extend the same experience of disliking the holidays to our future children and the family we are making together. It almost makes me feel like I did when I was a kid and my own father didn’t show up and show any care towards the holidays, and it hurts my feelings more than I care to admit.

I would love advice on how to communicate my needs to my wife, while still supporting her and her needs. I don’t want her to feel like I’m ignoring her trauma from her youth. I’m a huge believer that trauma is not our fault but healing is our responsibility, so I’m just frustrated.

I would welcome any healthy advice. Thank you.

Note: She will help me cook and prep when asked.

TL;DR: My wife is incredibly negative during the holidays due to her upbringing and the challenges that comes from divorced and stressful parents (we have similar upbringings). She is committed to hating the holidays, and does not fully participate in them with me. I am disappointed and would like advice on how to both support her and advocate for my needs (a present and engaged spouse during the holidays).

Submitted November 26, 2020 at 12:39PM by babesdoitbetter https://ift.tt/33mUOhj