My (18M) relationship with my mother (48F) is not showing signs of getting better anytime soon, should I just give up already?

I've never posted on here. I don't even know if this subject matter fits the posting criteria for this subreddit. But screw it.

My mother and I have been fighting for years. I have a vivid memory of the first time I felt genuine disgust with my treatment not only as a child but as a person in general. I was eleven or twelve. We had just about finished fighting, but for some reason my mother was so livid she grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, pressed me up against the wall of our living room and just roared in my face.

Now, I understand you are most likely asking yourself what I did to deserve this. I don't remember myself. The point is, after this pivotal incident, things were never the same again.

I pride myself on trying to be calm and collected at all times. I hate it when my emotions get the best of me, and I may be biased (I'm trying to be as honest as possible here), but my mother is quite the opposite. No matter how minuscule the problem, I feel as though her anger amplifies every single issue we have with each other.

What truly hurts is that she does not give a flying f**k about how her reactions and/or transgressions affect me. She has voiced this several times. Every little f**king thing is a problem. From going out, to the state of my room (which is NEVER really THAT bad), to me leaving dishes in the sink so I can wash them later. The animosity is so constant I have questioned her several times on why she even had me if she was going to treat me like absolute human filth. My dad isn't in the picture, if you were wondering.

But what hurts me is the fact that there are instances of genuine appreciation and love between us. I don't know why it happens. For a week or two, I will have hope for the state of our relationship. Then it is ripped away, and I am left with nothing. I am left with a feeling of hopelessness and feel so unloved and so uncared for.

My time to fix things is limited as I plan on being a thousand miles away from her as I'm graduating high school in June. I don't know if I care enough anymore. I think both her and my father are sociopaths, and I don't know how I can possibly love them when it feels like neither gives a s**t about me and my mental/physical wellbeing.

I cope, though. I have friends that I can easily call family. They mean more than they'll ever know. That brings tears to my eyes because I'm gonna be across the country come this time next year.

I wish life didn't have to be this way, but I guess there's no value in wishes. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. If you're in a similar situation, know you are not alone, and there are people who will listen, and there are people who care. Don't you ever f***ing forget that.

tl;dr: My relationship with my mother has declined into oblivion and I don't know what to do.

Submitted November 01, 2020 at 10:40AM by hugoheff https://ift.tt/3ef2eYb