SO (M42) made a confession about his sexual past that he's ashamed about. I (F40) was repulsed AND turned on by this. How to deal with the mixed feelings?

Sexually explicit content ahead, so if you don't want to read, feel free to stop now.

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I chatted with my SO of two years (he's currently in another country) and he mentioned how some hookups in his past make him super ashamed of himself. I wanted to know more, and he went on to describe a case where he had sex with a girl in a hotel and when having an orgasm, she peed on the bed. I told him I don't see why that would be reason for shame. We're both quite open about sex and the different things human bodies do, and it sounds like the girl was having a good time. And no wonder, as my SO is very talented in bed.

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He continued explaining that it happened because they were both extremely drunk. And that he didn't really like the girl very much, so he had to get drunk to be able to have sex with her (his sexuality functions the best when he's with someone he likes as a person, so I get it). He said it just doesn't do much for him to jack off, and he was really horny so this is what he ended up doing as a solution.

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I told him people do things like that all the time, and as long as he didn't lead the girl on and was honest about just wanting to have sex, he didn't do anything wrong. He said he was always honest with everyone he slept with, and I believe he has been. The part that makes him ashamed is using someone's body just for sex, even when it was with their consent. And that he had to get completely pissed to be able to carry it out, which in itself was a sign that he was going against his character.

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After the chat ended I found myself feeling many contradictory things. First of all, I dislike being drunk, and being around drunk people. Getting drunk does nothing pleasant for me, as it seems to for other people, and my senses are slightly overly acute so I sense people's altered behaviour super easily and become bothered by it. My SO has gotten drunk a few times around me and I very much dislike the way his behaviour and personality change. He knows this, so he's doing it less often nowadays. He still drinks some beers every now and then, but doesn't get visibly drunk. When I picture him with some woman, getting drunk in a bar and then having sex, I get a sense of repulsion. On the other hand, a man's desire to use a woman's body selfishly for his pleasure is a big turn on for me. So I also feel aroused, and very jealous to that woman, who got to experience a side of my SO that I haven't. One I'd very much like to experience.

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I guess the fact that he was drunk makes the thought even more arousing for me, because probably his behaviour was more primitive and selfish in that state. I absolutely love how unselfish he is in bed with me, always making sure I orgasm first and that I'm pleased in many different ways. But every now and then it would be great to experience a man who simply wants to get laid and uses my body for that purpose.

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In fact I'm also very jealous for any woman he had sex with in the past. This is a first time for me. In all of my previous relationships I wasn't bothered at all to discuss previous partners. With him I get easily so jealous that I have to cut the conversation and try to lick my wounds in privacy, over time. I don't get why; this is completely out of character for me and I'm a bit disappointed in myself.

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I've been trying to rack my brain about what to do with all of this. I want to be supportive of him speaking to me about anything he wants to share. What would be a constructive way to deal with my feelings of jealousy and the feeling that there's this other side to him that I haven't experienced? I'm aware that I myself have probably pushed off that side of him, by not being cool with him drinking. I wonder if I would even like it, in reality, because I do very much dislike the drunk him. I just can't get clarity on this, so I would appreciate some conversational help.

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TL;DR:

My SO disclosed an event from his past that bothers me, but also turns me on. It sounds like the person taking part in that event was quite different from the man I know. I'm jealous, scared, curious and indecisive about what to do, if anything.

Submitted February 25, 2019 at 05:44AM by NotATrueUser https://ift.tt/2SqSQ74