I have no explanation. I know some of you will judge me for my foolishness at my age, but you'd be right. I have no excuse and I can't even understand my own actions.
5 years ago I met someone at work I really clicked with. I was lonely and had been divorced for 3 years. My ex husband had moved on, and I had 50-50 custody of our 10 year old twins. When they weren't with me, I felt really empty. My co-worker became my friend (he was fun, funny, charming and a great distraction) and soon we started dating. 2 years later I moved in with him and his 12 year old daughter.
I spent a lot of time preparing my twins for us moving in and becoming a blended family and they loved his daughter and everything seemed to go great.
However, during the past 3 years I have discovered one red-flag after another with regards to other women. Each time I would freak out. He would downplay everything. He always had explanations. He would say I was over-reacting. He'd completely cut ties with the woman in question. Life was super-busy, he would plan a nice get-away, someone would get sick, etc etc. Life just moved along quickly and I just would "get over" things (well, stuff them down and not deal with them I suppose). I'd also start to sort of question if I maybe was being over-the-top in my reactions. I really truly believe he's never been physically unfaithful. But maybe I'm just an idiot.
It was things like getting nudes from some woman he went to high school with. Then I'd find a text conversation left on the iPad between him and his female buddy he went to college with talking about sex (him asking if she likes this or likes that). A drunken text to an ex girlfriend asking for one more night together. An email to his female co-worker calling her baby and telling her he misses her. I'd find that he'd given huge tips to female waitresses at the bar he frequents. I found flirty comments on various women's photos on facebook. Etc.
Each and every time I'd flip out. Each time he'd downplay, cut all contact and distract me. Well, life distracted me really. Also, our "family" life at home was wonderful, and the kids were all thriving and happy. They got a new puppy. We had family meals and vacations and we moved into a new home.
Nothing has happened in about 6 months (at least that I know of). Life is quieter at the moment. And suddenly, all these memories are hitting me at once. Last night I sat down and wrote them all out and just stared at them and I felt nauseated. And many of them were 3 years ago, so it's really difficult to get mad about it now. He feels it's all been dealt with. He insists he is now striving to be the partner I deserve.
But.....when I look at it all written out in black and white I realize he's got serious issues. He's a cheater. He may very well have been screwing other women all along (but I still don't believe that).
I looked in the living room and our kids were sprawled out on the sofa together with our dog on top of them watching a movie. They had all gone skiing earlier. He and I have a wine and cheese party planned for next weekend. The second week of March, we are going on a romantic long-weekend getaway. But I looked at him tonight and felt like I don't even know him. He's obviously betrayed me repeatedly, lied to me and gotten away with it. Because I let him. And I feel panicked because I want out but I'm scared of screwing up our kids (plus I can't currently support myself). I feel like the ultimate failure.
tldr. bf has had many suspicious incidents with other women over the past 3 years, and each time I find out and freak out he rug sweeps, and for some reason I've let him. Tonight I made myself look at a list of the incidents and I realized I can't stay. But I don't know how to leave.
Submitted February 24, 2019 at 09:17PM by Silent_Foundation https://ift.tt/2EtOCYT
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