I don't really know where to start, and honestly I'm so confused and disoriented about the whole situation that I hope someone can make sense of this.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We have a lot of great laughs, a lot of common interests and similar cultural upbringings that's made the whole settling in process really easy.
Except... he likes to micromanage. He's gotten a little better over the course of the relationship, but here's a few examples.
- Demanded that I call him after work everyday, and that we spend any opportunity we have to be on the phone with each other. Even if we have nothing to talk about, he likes the idea of spending time with each other. When I say that I'm not used to this, he says "If you really were invested in this relationship, or genuinely liked me, you would want to spend as much time as you could with me." Or, "I said at the beginning that one of my values is that my partner is my best friend... and so that's part of it. Are you now disagreeing with what we established?"
- Asks me not to wear skinny jeans to work on casual Fridays, because it's too "sexualized". I have a curvier figure, and so I can see that... but why does it matter.
- Asks me to arch my back when I'm brushing my teeth so as to not cause back problems later on (it's okay if he mentioned this once, but nearly every time he'll say something).
- Early in the relationship, he got pissed at me because I stayed up late with him to play Destiny when it launched. He claimed I was being dumb for sacrificing sleep and threatened to break up with me! He's since understood that was ridiculous but... man.
- I have a friend who moved 4 hours away for work and we just reconnected on the phone after 6 months of not talking so much. She invited me out to spend a weekend with her sometime this year, and he insisted he comes along. When I pointed out that I'd rather go on my own, he quoted his "tentpole values" and how I'm neglecting him. I explained the status quo, and he threatened to break up with me if I didn't get it. That even though I disagreed with his reasoning, it was his way or the high way. This happened about 3 weeks ago.
It doesn't help that I suffer from anxiety and depression, that's rooted in the core belief that 'I'm not good enough.' I've been a people pleaser my whole life, basically going about myself and making decisions that I think are expected of me by others. Or will make me look good to others.
When he's constantly pointing out things I'm doing "wrong" because his way is the "better" or "more logical" way, I get seriously pissed off and defensive. Because if I'm doing things wrong, in my mind, it affirms the idea that I'm not good enough and I end up being very dismissive and threaten to end the relationship myself -- which he throws back in my face a lot.
I recognize that his personality, and my mental illness is a perfect shitstorm. Other than his rigidity and particular nature, our relationship is great. But I'm tired and frustrated... how do I talk to him to get him to understand? When I've tried in the past, I get variations of the following statements, "I'm just looking out for you" "Why do it that way when there's a better or more logical way to do it, it doesn't make sense" "You not inviting me out to go see your friend is acting in disregard." ... Did I mention that his mother is an A+ micromanager/nitpicker and he has insecurity issues around neglect? Yeah.
tl;dr My boyfriend is extremely particular and likes to micromanage me, and has insecurity issues surrounding neglect. How do I talk to him about being less rigid?
Submitted February 25, 2019 at 01:03PM by feeteegee https://ift.tt/2XxN5bI
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