How to deal with feelings of jealousy towards SO’s [23M] previous sexual partners? (Me [23F], together 3 years)

Throwaway because people know my reddit account, and I’m sort of embarrassed by this issue.

So, to give a quick bit of background for context, I only have one ex-boyfriend, who was my only previous sexual partner, and I no longer talk to him because things ended on poor terms. My boyfriend on the other hand, has had only a couple of ex-girlfriends, but numerous other sexual partners, mostly in the form of short term hook-ups or friends with benefits. He is still in contact with many of these people, and two of his previous long term FWBs he considers to be his very close friends, with whom he is in contact with on a pretty regular basis.

While the fact that he has had many sexual partners before me doesn’t bother me conceptually, I still can’t help but feel this surge of jealousy, layered with this feeling of discomfort/anxiety when he mentions any of his ex-FWBs to me. And, I’m not afraid that he’s going to cheat on me with them or anything like that. He has given me no reason to distrust him, and I don’t think he behaves in an inappropriate fashion with them, or them with him, at least from what I can tell. When he brings them up to me, it’s in a normal manner that one would use to talk about your friends like “oh X got a new job.” And, he only talks about them in the context of them being ex-FWB if we are discussing that for some reason. Also we don’t live near them either, so although my boyfriend will visit with them occasionally while traveling for work, in general he spends very little time with them in person.

Also, I think it’s important to add that I think my boyfriend and I have a very strong relationship in general. So, what I’m trying to get at is that I know that my boyfriend loves me and has shown no indications of wanting to cheat on me, and so I know this feeling of jealousy is irrational. I try to redirect it and turn the feeling of smug superiority instead (lol) by thinking something like “it’s ok. He chose me, not them.” (Both of these ex-FWBs developed feelings for my BF during the time that they were hooking up, which they confessed to him. And, my BF turned them down and broke off their FWB arrangement because he didn’t have any romantic feelings for them.) Those thoughts help me cope, but it doesn’t totally stop the jealous feeling. So, I generally don’t like to listen to him talking about these friends, and I won’t bring them up unprompted or anything like that.

Also my boyfriend is totally clueless that I feel like this because I always smash the jealousy down and try not to let it effect my behavior. And, I would be embarrassed/feel really silly about bringing it up now, considering the fact that we have been dating for 3 years, and I’ve never mentioned it before. The main reasons that I didn’t ever bring it up in the beginning of our relationship are:

1. I was trying to be a “cool” girlfriend, and didn’t want to come across as clingy or insecure.

2. I do genuinely believe that these people are his friends, so I don’t feel like I have a right to ask him to cut them off.

While, now that I’m older and wiser, I know being a “cool” girlfriend is a silly thing to do, I think point 2 still stands. So, knowing that it would probably be unfair for me to ask my boyfriend to cut off contact with these people, I’m just looking for advice on how to mitigate these jealous feelings. Oh and also, what prompted this post was that my boyfriend talked to one of these friends on the phone briefly yesterday, and it just triggered these feelings again. So, I decided I was tired of being jealous and to turn to reddit for help.

TL;DR I feel jealous when my boyfriend talks about his ex-FWBs, two of whom he is currently very good friends with. Are these feelings of jealousy normal? Does anyone have any advice to me to help me get rid of them or manage them better? Thank you

Submitted February 01, 2019 at 08:31AM by throwawwwayyyy376385 http://bit.ly/2CZk9jk