Boyfriend [32M] ended our relationship after an argument, which he said is my fault [33F]. Need perspective

Throwaway account because my friends know my Reddit name. I do not want to make this post too long but I do want to give some background into our relationship and the past month.

We were pretty serious. I met his family. He met my family. We were spending holidays together. He took me ring shopping and we were discussing getting married this summer. He even went as far to discuss guest list and location. He was always telling me how happy he was and how lucky he was to have found me. Complimenting me, telling my friends how much he loved me. He actively encouraged a relationship between his father and me and he was developing a relationship with my siblings.

Fast forward to mid-December, we took a trip out of town. Everything was great on the trip. On our last night there, I woke up around 5 am to use the bathroom. I think I must have been stirring and he asked me what I was doing and I said I had to use the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, he was waiting for me and asked again what I was doing. I didn’t think anything of it but when we got home, I had a hard time getting ahold of him. He was ignoring me or giving me one word responses to my texts. When I finally asked him why he was ignoring me, he told me I need to admit what I was doing in the middle of the night. According to him, he saw something in my hand and I dropped it when he woke up. And he accused me of using the bathroom as a cover. He told me he was scared for his life and no longer felt safe around me. I tried to show him my phone to prove I wasn’t using it in the middle of the night. I asked him to tell me what he saw but he would not budge. He told me, he couldn’t tell me what he saw me doing because if he spoke the words out loud, he couldn’t love me the same. He said we were to no longer speak about it but he would work on getting over it. I was traveling the next week so we just took space from each other. I was also supposed to stay over at his place the night before I traveled, but he uninvited because he said he was scared to sleep next to me and he needed some time to process. While I was gone he called and texted me as normal. The day I came back, on a Friday, he picked me up from the airport but within a few hours he picked another fight with me over a parking spot. He decided to leave my house. I was confused but tired from traveling so I just let him be. He apologized the next day and we spent the rest of the weekend together. The following weekend I did not see him as he was with his friends. Instead, he came up during the week to hang out. Everything seemed fine. The weekend after that, I could not get a hold of him again. On Saturday morning I asked him if he was ignoring me again and he responded by saying yes. That I lied on the previous Tuesday when he was at my house and he needed time away from me.

That Tuesday, he wanted to go to bed at 9pm. We were lying in bed and he was sleeping. I was not sleepy yet so I was playing around on my phone; browsing Reddit, social media etc. I also responded to a message from my girlfriend about a date she went on and another message from another girlfriend about a trip we are planning. He asked me what I was doing, and I responded “I can’t sleep so I’m on reddit.” I didn’t think anything of it. Well he told me that Saturday, he was reading my messages over my shoulder and he saw I responded to a message from one of my girlfriends and I lied when I told him I was on reddit. He said I could no longer be trusted. I tried to explain to him I was on reddit and I didn’t realize he was asking me for a minute by minute account of my activities. That I was essentially killing time until I fell alsleep. Much like someone can say they are watching tv but they may also be on their ipad. We didn’t speak the remainder of the weekend. That Monday he came back and apologized. The next weekend, he was with his friends on Friday and Saturday. We hung out on Sunday. He was picking at me the entire time. Dishes I’ve made countless times that he loved all of a sudden were no longer good. He started picking on my weight even though I am much smaller now then when we first started dating. I’ve really focused on my diet and exercise and I have had good results. Even a mark on my chin was now determined to be ugly. And he asked me if I was using condoms with other guys, which I told him was a rude and inappropriate question.

The following week, we didn’t talk as much. Then on Friday, I called him and he was on his way to see a friend. I tried to chat with him about his week and he wanted to get off the phone after about a minute. I playfully asked him why he was rushing off the phone and he went off. Decided he didn’t want to talk to me the rest of the night because it wasn’t nice to say he was rushing off the phone. Now I was starting to get annoyed. I called him back and he did not answer. I then tried to text him explaining that I wasn’t trying to stress or pressure him, I just wanted to chat. I wasn’t even telling him to spend time with me over his friends but I wanted him to carve out time for me. I should also note, in the last week he had taken all of his items out of my house, including his toiletry bag. He didn’t need his toiletry bag because he had a duplicate set at his house. I thought it was weird but I did not say anything.

So in my texts, I was inquiring why I haven’t seen him the last few weekends and asked if he could carve out some time for me. Then I got frustrated by his lack of response and said I’m not going through another weekend of the silent treatment because I said the wrong thing. He called me back and was furious. He broke up with me. At this point, I got upset and everything for the last month came tumbling out. I told him that he had been extremely critical of me lately, non-responsive, snapping at me when I tried to make plans or talk to him, unavailable on Friday and Saturday evenings and I asked him why he took the items out of my house. I also asked him why he would all of a sudden need his toiletry bag that has been at my house for the duration of our relationship, and I asked if he needed it to use elsewhere. He told me now that I’ve accused him, he never wanted to see or speak to me again. He hung up the phone. I tried to apologize for the comment about the toiletry bag and told him I was just frustrated by our ups and downs and I was wrong for my response to our breakup. He messaged me the next day and said since I accused him, he cant be with someone like that. That he is done with me. And there is no "us" anymore.

He called later and left a message saying we could meet but it wouldn’t change anything. We did meet a few days later and he told me he wanted me to leave him be. That he could never trust or forgive me for my behavior. That I’m like everyone else and he is moving on with his life. I brought some of his items to the meeting that he forgot at my house and told him the items were in my trunk. He said he didn’t have time to grab the items and he left.

My friends all think he was looking for an out or projecting because they don’t think his behavior makes sense but I cant stop replaying our last conversations in my head. I tried to tell him I didn’t ask the question about the toiletries until after he ended it but he said he doesn’t remember the order. We haven’t spoken since and I cant stop beating myself up. Maybe I should have left well enough alone on Friday evening?

I’m not sure what I could have done different and I don’t know if the toiletry question was crossing a line that couldn’t be uncrossed. I need perspective outside of my friends and family.

Sorry this turned out to be so long.

TL:DR – Boyfriend ended relationship and cut all contact because he said I did something unforgivable.

Edit - typo

Submitted February 01, 2019 at 10:59AM by butterfly_2019 http://bit.ly/2GgT0vo