I've been friends with Max for about five years; we met at work. During this time, we've attempted to date twice (the last time was about three years ago). Both times I was more interested in him than he was in me. I felt like he'd led me on, but dismissed these feelings as me just being bitter that he didn't want to commit to me. We managed to maintain a friendship.
Recently, I got a feelingstext from Max saying he was in a bad place. I'm in a very good place myself and felt bad for him, so I replied offering support. He opened up to me about his relationship with a woman called Lucy, who he's been with for about ten months or so. It sounds like a fairly straightforward case of him knowing Lucy isn't right for him, but she's a nice person and he's scared of being alone so he's reluctant to end it with her. I've been in a similar situation myself in the past, so I have a lot of sympathy.
Max also told me about another girl he'd met recently, Gina, who he thinks he has more of a connection with. Apparently when they met she was very flirty with him and he quickly became infatuated with her. He sounded much more enthusiastic about her than about Lucy, so I gently encouraged him to end things with Lucy so he could freely pursue Gina, and also so Lucy could go and find someone who was actually into her.
It soon transpired that Max was actively planning to try to hook up with Gina before breaking up with Lucy. He kept asking me for advice on how to get with her, which I told him I was not comfortable with because he has a girlfriend. The impression I got was that he was going to see if Gina was interested while keeping Lucy as a safety net in case she wasn't. I outright asked him if this was what he was doing and he pretty much admitted it.
Inevitably, Gina wasn't interested and, as I predicted, suddenly Max has had a change of heart and wants to make things work with Lucy. I feel really, really gross about this. From what he's told me, Lucy cares about him a lot and the only reason he hasn't cheated on her was because Gina wasn't into him. I feel really bad for this girl who doesn't seem to have done anything wrong and is likely going to be convinced into committing even more to this relationship with someone who doesn't really care about her and will probably ditch her as soon as he meets a prettier girl who's willing to sleep with him.
My instinct is that I don't want to be friends with this person and to pull a slow fade on him. We don't live in the same place anymore so he'd be easy to avoid. However, I'm feeling torn because I've done some shitty things in the past and my friends - including him - stood by me and helped me to learn and grow while I went to therapy and did the work needed to become a more considerate, respectful person. A lot of his issues are ones that I had in my younger years and am still working on with my therapist now, so I can understand how he's ended up doing this, even though I don't excuse it.
On the other hand, he doesn't seem to be willing to take any steps to deal with his issues and change his behaviour (I've recommended he see a therapist multiple times, and he's admitted he can afford it, but still doesn't go). His drama is exhausting and he doesn't seem to take anything I say on board.
One of my friends also suggested I take screenshots of the messages where Max says he's planning to try and hook with Gina and send them to Lucy on Facebook. Part of me wants to do this, but also a part of me feels that would be unfair because I told Max he could open up to me and it feels shitty to then pass that on, even if he is being shitty too. There's no way of showing her the evidence I have without it being obvious it was me who sent it, so I would end up embroiled in more drama rather than stepping away from it. But am I a horrible, selfish person for doing that?
Basically, I feel like my options are: A) pull away from the friendship and fade out of his life, B) stay friends and try to help him become a better person, or C) throw even more gasoline on this dumpster fire by showing his texts to Lucy, which will be horrible and stressful but possibly save her from a relationship with someone who doesn't care about her. I'm very much leaning towards A, but does that make me a bad person?
TL;DR: My friend, who I have a brief romantic history with, opened up to me about his relationship problems. He's unhappy with his girlfriend and planned to cheat on her with another girl he liked more. The girl he liked more wasn't interested so now he's decided to stay with his girlfriend. I feel gross and want to cut him out of my life but not sure if I'm being harsh. Also debating whether to message his girlfriend telling her what happened.
EDIT: Thank you so much to everyone who has commented on this post. I really wasn't expecting much, so to get so many thoughtful, kind responses means a lot. I was worried I was being overly harsh on Max or perhaps letting his past rejection of me cloud my judgement, but I feel really validated having read everyone else confirming that his treatment of Lucy is shitty. I'm going to take a day or two to decide exactly how to proceed re Lucy, but whatever happens I'm definitely going to tell Max that his behaviour is unacceptable to me and remove myself from this "friendship".
(Btw, as a few people seem to be concerned that I'm still at risk of being led on by Max, I feel I should just add that I have been in a healthy, fulfilling relationship with an incredible, respectful, mature, emotionally stable woman for over a year now - something I honestly didn't think was possible after spending too many years chasing guys like Max.)
Submitted January 03, 2019 at 05:24AM by ugly-doris http://bit.ly/2Vrq2hF
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