Apologies if the formatting is weird. I’ve (F32) been with my BF (M27) for 9 months now. We work at the same company and have a mutual friend in our coworker “R” (F28); all three of us have worked together for 2+ years. She’s great and honestly I love her. She’s fun, sweet, thoughtful, funny, etc. She and I have spent time outside of work a few times. She’s pretty open about her unhappy long term relationship. She knows that BF and I are together but we keep it hush hush around everyone else.
[BF is funny, weird, interesting, generally well-matched levels of physical affection, I feel I could never get tired of talking to him, we have bizarrely similar unusual life outlooks that no one else seems to share, he gives thoughtful gifts, initiates texting over half the time, I would say that usually when I come to him with a concern he listens to it and at least attempts to adjust, etc just as a general idea of our situation.]
I got the feeling a few months into our relationship that BF may have developed a crush on R. Maybe it was there longer and I just didn’t notice because my attention was obviously elsewhere, however it seems like his attention, enthusiasm, energy, etc has been shifted from me to her. He regularly seems more excited to see her, he has that giddy laugh that people get when they’re around someone they’re crushing on (I haven’t heard him laugh like that around me since our early days of dating…it’s also at things that objectively aren’t funny—I’m not hating on R, she genuinely is funny, but not those things if you get my meaning), they are always standing closer together than usual coworker distance, if one of them is across the work space the other will find work that doesn’t actually need to be done so they can hang out near the other, they are always chatting away jovially and giggling away but if I pop up BF just chats to me about boring ass work stuff, just their body language when around each other, etc. I understand they are friends and I don’t begrudge either of them that, but to me this seems like crush behavior and the knife in the gut is that another coworker thought they were dating which kind of confirms my feelings. They work more shifts together and therefore spend more time together than BF and I do even outside of work.
I get that attractions and little crushes can happen, especially when people end up spending more time together. However it bothers me a lot that it seems to have happened so early into our dating and it’s absolutely crossing a line when it’s being “fed” like this. They don’t do anything together outside of work or text as far as I’m aware, but he is certainly indulging and I feel it’s at the expense of his affection for me.
A few months ago I tried to bring this up very calmly and non-confrontationally because there was an incident where I was having a shit day at work and BF was comforting me while we were alone in the break room, then the second R walked by his attention was elsewhere and he left to goof off with her. This is a pattern of both of them stopping conversations with me mid-sentence if the other walks by and I am sick of feeling bottom-priority to my own partner.
I explained some of the behaviors I noticed and how it made me feel and the response was, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m not into R.” Subject changed.
I tried again a few months later, explaining that I don’t like feeling like their third wheel and awkward when our chemistry used to be like that and it seems like it’s shifted from me to her. This time he asked what was wrong with him getting along with someone else so well? He and I have a rapport so what does it matter if he has one with someone else too? Why should my confidence be affected by this?
I am about at my wits end here. Since this last talk he has started following me around more at work but it’s just to stand near me, not necessarily engage but I just feel more awkward despite the “effort.” R always follows behind shortly anyway. I don’t think he would cheat but I also don’t think he’s stupid enough to not be aware of his feelings. If he has a crush he’s not going to admit it or give it up/ not feed it apparently. But it’s making me lose feelings and attraction for him because I feel that he’s just being selfish by keeping what he wants on the side. I feel like he doesn’t really respect me by shutting down the discussions I’ve tried to have by how his behavior makes me feel. I can’t help but wonder if he is just waiting around for R to be single.
The behavior is more apparent at work but I have noticed less enthusiasm in our private life as well. If it has anything to do with her, I have no idea. I really do think it’s just a work crush to make the day go by easier, but who knows? I always try to check in on how the other areas of his life are going (the work part of work, friends, health, money, etc) and he’s fine except work stress he says. He’s gained a little weight from alcohol and stress eating lately that I’ve been concerned about but he’s not. I try to be supportive of if he ever needs anything from me but he prefers to be independent so I don’t think I’m neglecting him at all. (I’ve considered the possible perspective that he just wants someone fun to make the shitty work day go by better and that’s her because he already “has” me and is complacent about it, and maybe he’s drinking because of work stress. I still don’t know what to do about it.)
I guess my question is this: how do I proceed? Do I specifically tell him that this is affecting my feelings for him? (I hate that this sounds like an ultimatum.) I seriously doubt that it’s something other than a crush, but what else would be making him act this way? (because I would hate to potentially end a relationship based on something that may just be a skewed perception like misreading social cues.) I don’t like throwing around accusations without proof but I don’t believe him when he says he’s not into her (or that she might be into him). I try to come at relationship problems from the perspective of problem solving together as a team rather than “winning” the argument but frankly I don’t really know what the solution here looks like. Even if he stopped acting like that when I was around them I’m not sure if I could trust that he wouldn’t go back to his old ways when I’m not there. I wouldn’t know what building trust would even look like because I’ve felt my concerns and needs have been brushed aside for this long. Anyone else been in this situation or similar?
Please, don’t do the typical Reddit answer of “dump him,” I would really appreciate answers from the questions in the above paragraph so that I can do some emotional exploration. The relationship does have good merits. It may end up having to end—I hope it doesn’t—but I’d like to at least explore options first.
Thank you to everyone who read this long.
(Side note: R and I aren’t close enough for me to discuss this with her and besides I don’t want to create drama at work by “accusing” her of something while she’s in a relationship too.)
TLDR: I think my bf has a crush on our coworker and has reduced his attention towards me lately. He brushes aside my concerns and hurt when I try to talk to him about it. Do I just have to leave him and continue watching him flirt at work?
Submitted January 05, 2022 at 04:27AM by bast39 https://ift.tt/31sJCSx
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