I argued with my BF about money and things got out of hand. Would you consider this behaviour to be a deal breaker?

This will be a long post to give you as much context as I can and I will put a TL;DR at the end. Please feel free to give your opinion on the subject after reading the entire situation.

I (31F) am in a generally happy and loving relationship (or was) with my BF (34M) for almost 7 months. We just recently officially moved in together. To be precise, he moved in my apartment a few days ago after his rent expired. Prior to this relationship I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years and suffer the long-term effects of it. I have been clear and open about it to my now-BF and he knows almost every detail.

In my previous relationship I have often been used for money, asked to pay expenses that weren't mine, asked to pay lease for electronic gadgets that he used, asked to pay for his home renovations with bank loans etc. All in all I've given the ex a lot of money which I couldn't afford to spend. He never gave the money back.

My now-BF knows this and knows how I've been used. He knows I have trust issues and I've been open about the state of my mental health since our first date.

Also may be an important note to make - I make more money from current BF and we both know that. I have a stable paycheck and I work for a fintech company. My salary isn't all that big but it comes every month, I have health insurance and all the perks from having a stable job. I don't know how much money he makes, but he's been open that his earnings are small. He has his own little business for some years now but income is not stable nor regular. He is good at doing the service he provides, but very bad at marketing his business, so he is very small and relies mostly on orders from friends, acquaintances, and the odd customer.

He is not very ambitious from what I've seen and does not really invest much to make his business grow, nor does he ask for advise on how to grow his business. He seems to be stuck in a rut and does not appear to have the ambition to make a change. On the other hand I am more ambitious than him, I try to learn new stuff and develop my personal and professional qualities to get a better job, better pay and a better shot at life in general. I want to travel more, explore more, have more things. I don't rely on financial help from anyone, neither parents nor relatives/partners.

Recently we moved in together or rather he moved in with me. I rent a small apartment but it's in a good area of the city, it's newly furnished and overall nice. I try to maintain the place clean, cozy and welcoming. Rent is higher that what he paid before, but if we split it's an OK amount of money considering the area.

Before he officially moved in, I tried to raise a discussion with him asking how we will split rent/bills when he moves in and when (as in which day of the month) he would like to pay the rent to see if we would have to negotiate a new date with landlord. He just said we'll split evenly rent and bills and I can pay whenever I am used to paying so far, he'll just give me his share of the money whenever.

I was a little bit uncomfortable with him not discussing more openly things with me so a few days after he moved in I brought up the subject again and wanted to explain that I usually pay rent on the 1st or 2nd of the month and also wanted to give him a rough estimate of how much I pay for utilities each month. He got angry with me and I didn't understand why. He went out for work and I was off all day feeling I have insulted him but not know how and what I did.

When he came back last night he told me that he is hurt and insulted because I keep mentioning to him that he has to give me money and that is hurtful because it makes it appear as if I don't trust him to pay his share. He said that I am too blunt and direct and do not take his feelings into account.

I replied that I don't understand why money is in any way emotional topic and that since we are a single household now, I expect for everyone to contribute financially and if he can't for some reason I expect him to be open with me and tell me, instead of just silently wait for me to pay rent and bills. I said that if he has any money issues he can share with me, otherwise I will feel used to pay for stuff.

This is what hurt him the most and he went as far as to say that if I loved him I wouldn't take the topic so seriously, especially given the fact that a month's rent and utilities doesn't cost a fortune and isn't worth arguing over with a close person that you love. I said I wasn't arguing, I just wanted to discuss finances, not to insult him and that he takes this too emotionally.

At this point we are both very heated, I told him that if he can't discuss finances openly he is being unreasonable and behaving like a child. He said that he is in a bad financial spot and I am being insensitive. I told him I couldn't have know this and he is being too emotional and immature. He got incredibly offended and called me a horrible person. He also went as far as to say that I am an abuser to him just like my ex was to me.

At this point I broke down and cried, he apologized, hugged me and offered not to argue anymore. I tried to explain that I am a person who is rather logical, not so emotionally driven and I think finances are nothing to be emotional about. That he makes me feel guilty for being ambitious and wanting more out of life and for wanting him to contribute financially.

We are on speaking terms now, we both apologized for hurting the other person, hugged and kissed but I am really worried about the future. I don't know if I can be in a serious committed relationship with someone who sees things so differently than me. I am worried that he is not ambitious and he can make do with whatever little money he makes. I want to travel and travel costs money. I can cover the expenses for both of us if I have to, but he said he doesn't want to travel with me if he can't afford to cover his half which puts me in the position to give up on my dream because someone is too sensitive to take my money and provide me with his company and too lazy to make his own money.

I also don't know how to cope with the fact that he called me a horrible person and suggested that I am abusing him. I am very worried for this relationship and I want to ask you for advice - should I just cut my losses and break up with him or should we discuss in more depth?

Also need to note that I have booked an appointment with my therapist to discuss tomorrow but I am in a very bad spot mentally and emotionally right now and it helps me to ask you guys for advice.

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TL;DR - My boyfriend is angry with me because I asked him to discuss how to split rent and bills several times and he felt pressured for money. He says I don't love him and money is more important to me than his feelings. He thinks I am inconsiderate and I am pressuring him for money while he is in a bad financial spot. He says I don't trust him that he will pay and I am being a bad person. He knows I make more money than him. Should I be worried and break this off?

Submitted September 30, 2021 at 03:57AM by Justkeepitanonymous https://ift.tt/3AWI4wH