UPDATE: I (20F) cut ties with a friend (22F) who was emotionally abusive thanks to this subreddit's advice.

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/lg3li9/how_do_i_20f_set_boundaries_with_a_friend_22f_who/

It's been 7 months since I came here desperate for advice on how to solve an unsolvable problem. My 'friend' at the time was manipulating me and I didn't open my eyes to it (in spite of all my friends and family telling me) until I spoke to complete strangers on the internet who had similar experiences. I cannot thank those who commented enough.

I cut ties completely with 'Erica' in March I think. I hadn't been talking to her for a while whilst I still deliberated on what to do and focused on my own mental health. I posted to my social media that I was doing a lot better mentally, thanks to family and friends. I then got an angry message from Erica, basically saying 'why didn't you acknowledge or thank me? Why won't you let me help you?'. That was when I knew I never wanted to be close to this person ever again, so I said I don't want to be close but I'm happy to stay on good terms (especially since we had business projects together).

Then, she started lashing out and using her tactics again. She started to claim she was a 'different person' and her mental health made her act in ways she normally wouldn't. All the while avoiding giving an actual apology or acknowledging what she had actually done that she 'wouldn't do again'. Now that the rose-tinted glasses have lifted, I can say outright this person manipulated and traumatised me by making me feel solely responsible for her mental health. And that is not okay.

I stopped responding and she kept sending messages, and the final straw was her claiming she was in love with me. I had never felt angrier. This wasn't 'love', it was another twisted attempt at guilt-tripping me into staying 'obedient' and doing as she said. It was also completely disrespectful to her partner and to my partner. I blocked her on everything, and accepted my losses for the business projects we had worked on together (yes, I was dumb and didn't draw up a contract of any kind! Don't be like me and trust people that much.)

For the longest time, I was afraid she would try to ruin me on social media, and she really did try. I think she still is saying lies about me and my small business, and even contacted the organisation I do occasional work with. Fortunately, I received nothing but support from people, and a few of our mutual friends/acquaintances have distanced themselves from her. I had some people message me to say they had also had Erica lash out at them for petty reasons.

I have been in therapy for a few months, and it has been a long journey of learning to say 'no', learning to enforce boundaries, and learning to not trust so openly. I had to accept that you cannot help someone who won't try to help themselves, and that I had wasted a year of my life on this person. Whether or not she was struggling, the things she did to me (and is still doing) were not okay, and she wouldn't even acknowledge them or apologise for them. She's spun a narrative in her head that I cut ties with her because of her struggling, and there's no convincing her otherwise now. Maybe some will see it that way, but I'm learning not to care so much about what people think of me, because ultimately the people who know me know better. Whilst I am still not fully over it all, I'm doing a lot better than I was.

So thank you so much again to those who helped open my eyes. I really needed strangers' input as, for some reason, what my loved ones were saying was not getting through to me. I hope those of you who went through similar things with people are doing okay.

TL;DR: Cut ties with my friend after she made me feel solely responsible for her mental health. She continues to try to ruin my life, but I'm getting professional help and not letting it get to me anymore.

Submitted September 28, 2021 at 05:04AM by Throwaway-friend22 https://ift.tt/3zOq5qD